Given the chance, what would you ask this man?
I’m not particularly spontaneous so I have to grind these things out – usually with more rewrites than the American pre-season tour teamsheet. It’s amazing how many one liners end up binned because they just don’t fit the tone of the article, or more often than not they are just considered too offensive for a website that doesn’t include “Animal Sex” or “Cream Pie” as a pre-selectable search option. You also have to make sure that you find something that is of interest to the majority of the readers, not just the odd insomniac or the guy who talks to the pigeons at the Haymarket.
The “Carroll” money was an easy one. Not since Keegan left (for the second or third time) has there been something that has united the fans so much by dividing them.
How do you follow that up?
What is it that is guaranteed to get the fans going more than anything else?
So here it is.
You get to spend five minutes sitting down face to face with Ashley. What would you ask him?
Please note, I’m saying “what would you ask him?”, not “what would you hit him with?”
I suppose from his side there would be some kind of a requirement to ensure that some of you either had your hands tied behind your back or were actually chained to a wall or something, wore a muzzle perhaps, or were even separated from him by bullet-proof glass.
Understandable.
Then Ashley’s pet Gorilla – the one you always see sitting behind him at the match with the curly lead sticking out of his head – would probably prefer that you didn’t use phrases such as “you cockney tw*t”, or “prepare to die, you fat f*ck”, but I’m sure that’s something we could cope with.
So what would you ask?
His favourite colour? Which CDs he has in his helicopter perhaps? Why he gave up the glamour of life as a professional squash coach to become a billionaire? Or how about “what on earth made him think that he was in any way qualified to run a football club?”
There are a thousand and one possibilities. OK a thousand and two if you include what it feels like to have paid Alan Smith in the region of 8-10 million quid in wages over the last four years for being the oldest ball-boy in the Premiership.
Now it’s your turn.
Note from Toonsy – Well Done Archie Brand. I can see there being many ideas, some serious, some not so, about what people would really like to ask Mike Ashley. It’s just a shame the chubby turd won’t get asked any of them!
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156 Comments
Can we inject him with truth serum before asking what his true intentions are regarding this great club? Otherwise it would be a pointless exercise filled with the usual executive/political bullshit that fails to answer any one straight question…
NUFC Head to Head league at PremierLeague.com now has 17 spaces left for those that are interested. The fixture list and tables are done in exactly the same way the Premier League is formatted today, so it is still interesting later in the season. It is a different format to Toonsy’s league and is no competition. There is no winners prize, just a bit of fun.
Joining is the same as explained on Toonsy’s article but the code is 139461-54775.
I would ask him if he was cynical about the timing of the horror in Norway, with reference to the Murdoch scandal?
:: Asks Mike to sign a first edition copy of Catcher in the Rye.
http://www.usllive.com link for tonights game lads
A great article Toonsy,as ever really well written so a big thank you for the time you took to prepare it and post it.Its not an easy ask really knowing you got one question to ask and thats your lot.I think mine would be this,your a very good business man and you have proven that you can make millions by marketing total shite to the masses ala sportsdirect,so in your own time Mr Ashley can you explain why your running a very famous,well supported institution like Newcastle United like its an also ran? If he actually thought about it and cared he could turn us into a major success on the pitch and as a business but it will never happen if you dont invest in the team.Football runs on quality,not tat mate.
My question would be, why Llambias, a complete twat of a man and an out and out hate figure for the fans?
I would ask him to take his pick between the baseball bat with nails in it or Lambsarse
Off Topic but I see Amy wino is dead
amy wino popped her cloggs
Dave – No, no, no
Why don’t you just leave our club?
Right, off to feed the pigeons.
she should of took notice too papa and went too rehab
1. What was it that made you think Wise, Kinnear and Llambias would be successful?
2. If you’ve saved the apparently high wages of Owen, Martins, Duff, Given, Nolan, Campbell and many others why are you earmarking five years of wages for new players out of the Carroll money and not spending the additional £20m earmarked for transfers?
lee_ryder Lee Ryder
#nufc Danny Simpson is set to fly home reason TBC
4 minutes ago Favorite Retweet Reply
Danny Simpson to return. Lee Ryder reporting. Reason TBC.
lee_ryder Lee Ryder
#nufc Danny Simpson is set to fly home reason TBC
33 seconds ago
wonder what’s going on?
The nearly man Gervinho scored twice on his debut thats what we needed GUTTED
Batty maybe he was close to Amy
Where have you been anyway haven’t seen much of ye
been hiding from young spence m8
Why Llambias
Why Wise
Why Did You buy NUfC
Why does the senior management have no dialogue with fans
How much do you pay the local media
Where did the 35 million really go
How is it you made such a success of your business and such a mess of OUR football club
The list is endless I would need a few hours.
Dave – Im staying up for it. Go on. We could have like girly sleepover thing
On thread, why do you have such an arsehole running things at NUFC?
A kna Sy,
he’s a right pecker like
reet away to clean the fishtank out for an hour or so
I bought some Lonsdale underpants from your shop last week and I want to know why people laugh at me when I wear the waist band over my hipster jeans! Why Mike?
BSN9 –
I’m staying up
On a compliment question.
Mike, I love my Donnay stone washed jeans and matching Denim Donnay jacket. How did you devise such an eye catching combination. Everyone seems to stare and point at me as I strut round the metty centre. They clearly think I look the biz! Who is your designer?
what time does it start?
@28
I heard you got the length of you Donnay stone washed jeans a few inches too short so you could sport your Donnay socks. People need to see the quality from head to toe.
#R.I.P Amy WineHouse.
what a talented singer joining the curse forever 27 club.
I’ve joined the head to head league. Looking forward to it. Can’t believe another player has been sent home. Hope its not serious, if it is indeed another injury.
Mike, I love your £2 caser balls. I use them at my child’s birthdays for balloons . How did you think of such a good idea?
Mike, you wear a White shirt at every match. Is it the same one everytime?
Apparently Simpson is flying home to be with his mrs.
Mike, have you ever been around Newcastle otherthan SJP and the bigg Market ?
Did you pay for that shirt your wearing or does it all end up in the same place anyway?
Mike, you still shagging Troys mother?
Mike, did you get rid of hughton because it was no fun having someone who will roll over and take it all without even so much as a whimper in return?
Mike do you ever think of going on a diet you fat useless bastad
@39
Pardew is vocal in their…erm…’sessions’
Mike likes that
@40
Mike do you ever see that fuker Bobby when your at Troys mums gaf
simpson flying home for birth of daughter
Check it out @35. I do know stuff
Toonsy @ 45 you’ve your finger on the pulse mate, makes a change from playing with yer knob
dannysimpson12 Danny Simpson
Flying back 2 the UK today.. Wanted 2 play the next 2 games but I want 2 b home in time for the birth of my baby girl
17 minutes ago
Dave –
Nee fecker listens to me though, or gives credit considering I called it before anybody else. If I changed my name to cwarr07 they’d soon prick up though aye 
http://www.youtube.com/bundesliga?feature=ticker
Borussia Dortmund -v- Schalke live if anyone is interested. YouTube have the live stream for some reason.
Toonsy just keep your name as it is atlest we know we can trust ye
Does anyone else think that the US tour has been a right fuk up from the start
TOONSY@48 i listen to you mate,i tak nee notice like,but i listen
Funky is that Amy wino you have now
DAVE like everything the dicks do m8,the toon is there play thing,what about the fans,tough shit
No, it is still Shelly Martinez. Not a fan of Amy Winehouse.
stevewraith steve wraith
Good news just heard from danny and his lass is having bairn#juniormagpie
Some 40 minutes after Danny Simpson tweeted the exact same thing
Unemployment in London has just hit a record high after 6,000 drug dealers have just been put out of work
Winehouse backs up my addicts are weak people theory
They tried to make me go to hospital but I said no no no.
sorry like its sad about winehouse,but to be honest our thoughts should be with the 90 odd poor people in oslo,not a smack head who had all the chances in life
Ice – According to Sky it’s like Norway hardly even happened. Have no time for people who end up addicted. Weak people who can change things but have no desire to. Losers basically
Icedog has it spot on.
I have no pity or sympathy for an addict who botched her life. If she has been murdered or something then my opinion changes but an addict botching it? Meh.
The innocent people in Oslo who are treated like a support act to Winehouse on the news currently are the real people and real story.
aye i have no sympathy for any1 that passes away self inflicted but i stil dont like to hear any1 dying , 27 is a young age to die and she was very talented !! more money than sense man , bluddy silly!!
back to footy , is the toon match defo on the net 2nyt then lads?? i wil be defo stoppn up if it is like
winehouse has joined this cursed club.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/27_club
Ice @ 59 exactly the ones in Oslo had no choice same as the Troops that die they are the ones that deserve sympathy, but Wino Amy had the choice and the chances to change but she said no no no .
1. Ashley what real football ambition do you have for Newcastle United?
2. How do you propose to achieve football success with the club (please don’t bother responding with any sentence that begins: My main goal is to recover my money by buying at low cost and selling our best young players for big profit… blah blah blah
3. Why don’t you fire Llambias and bring someone in who actually knows something about football? Are you afraid such a person wouldn’t work with you for five minutes like Keegan?
4. Why hire a poor manager with a pathetic track record like Pardew? Is it because you know that any manager worth his salt would never work for you given the evidence of the past few years?
The questions could go on and on.
Mike how long did it take you to work out that Chris was clueless
Dave – You checked your e-mails you little pisspig?
DAVE i know these drug dick heads are the bain of a lot of people lifes,its there family that suffer
Oh and 1 more Ashley:
Exactly when can we count on you selling the club to a decent owner with real football ambition?
Toonsy nowt there
Ice thats the trouble some dont think of the shit that their Family will have to go through
Why did you buy Newcastle?
Why did you go over Kevin Keegans head?
Why did you appoint Derek Llambias?
Why did you appoint Alan Pardew?
Why have you not found a buyer yet?
Why shouldn’t I hit you?
Where is the money promised for transfers?
Mike – when was the last time you saw your knob?
DAVE/TOONSY mail
Why don’t you just cut your fcking losses, sell the club and fck off?
STUART come on now say what you think m8 dont mince words
Watching this Dortmund/Schalke game, we could do worse than looking at Chris Lowe.
Gets stuck in, looks handy and is capable of swapping left wing and left back.
I would ask fancy gannin doon the big markt for a pint the neet ? bet the answer is no though . Would be mint if he did though
Dave – This is what I sent http://soundcloud.com/andyrowley/andy-rowley-classic-vocal
Probably a bit soft for you like but it takes me back
I would ask if that lass in Blue Velvet decided to press charges in the end.
Toonsy I got that mate I thought I replied
thanks it is a bit soft but sometimes its a break from banging stuff, I have had to listen to Slip knot, Linkin park etc for most of this week 
Slipknot and Linkin Park aren’t banging if you listen to some European stuff.
They are positively chart friendly.
Funky they’re just not my sort stuff music mate, the banging stuff I was talking about was hard dance type stuff that I normally listen to in work
not much crack on ere 2nyt , alreet dave
i think when the lads get back on wed thats when we will the transfer crack will heat up , i think we shud defo go 4 zoggy , hes come on leaps and bounds and erding or shane long , out the 2 i think shane long would be easier to get , the erding story is dragging on abit now
Big Dave,
The only stuff I hear at work is Radio 1. The same 9 songs looped every day for life.
I swear to christ Ed Sheeran and Example’s most recent singles are subconsciously implanted into my mind.
FJ – What about Rihanna? she’s on every second song.
Jobey – I’ve got her album in the car
You can’t beat a bit of The Who, The Clash or The Beatles. My first choice everytime.
Toonsy – I’ve got her in the boot
Army all good mate hows the wee man doing good I hope
FJ I can listen to most music it just depends what mood im in, but I like Dance type stuff the most even though my kids say that im to old to be into dance music, but my wee Lad thinks its cool that I like Scooter
Scooter ? FFS
Gaygermandiscopoppen
Toonsy
My wee lad has lots of Scooter stuff on his phone and there is fuk all like scooter to make me laugh and think of when I was younger and doing crazy shit 
so is the game defo online? im gna watch it if so!! aye dave the little un is smashing , hes an absolute joy to have mate!!
Army – it is on the orlando website. see the match thread in a bit for it
Rihanna is a manky tramp who would do well to visit Amy Winehouse.
Her best moment in music was written by Skylar Grey – who is only now being noticed for her musical talent.
Miss Grey also being responsible for P Diddy, Eminem and Dr Dre’s best moments in music too.
Talentless schyite in mainstream music today.
Give me one good reason why I shouldnt kick ten shades out of you now?
Spencer – Because you couldn’t even knock out a w@nk young’un now pipe down
Rihanna is a manky tramp
You mad? The things I would do to just see her naked in real life
Toonsy- I didnt want to tell you this.. but I just have
@98
I can’t stand anything about her. She is totally useless.
Also Spencer, I doubt you are “her type” so to speak considering what she’s said in interviews, lol.
FJ- I never said I was..
I also doubt that anyone here could get close to her.
We all have celebritys that we want to **** But know we never will.
I wasn’t being serious, calm down, lol.
Just pointing out that she is public with how “picky” she is over guys.
Now, to the end of bullying me.
Is anyone watching the boxing on C5?
Spencer – Yeah. Chisora is done for IMO
If I could ask Mike Ashley one question, I’d ask him what the fk happened to mi bairn’s guinea pig, the weekend he was babysitting foriz.
…seen nowt of him since. nee guinea pig neither, bit of gravy by the back door like, got the Feds on it.
aye, think hes going to get knocked out to be honest. Going to watch UFC after aswell, might be going down to birmingham in november with my brother, if the prices arent too steep.
I also found it funny how Chisora came in with a boy better know t-shirt on
…bit late for you innit Spencer? you bender.
Chisora is a fat fock.
so are yee Jobey, and then some.
TOONSY I have read yr blogs for a long time. I Really enjoyed reading them I thought you came across a good bloke but what you just said you have no clue of what your saying about Addicts??? ADDICTS come in all shapes and sizes yr an “Idiot” and ignorant!!!!!! stick to what you no football blogs least you no what yr talking about unlike Addictive Personality yr comments prove this
Have no time for people who end up addicted. Weak people who can change things but have no desire to. Losers basically [WRONG]
Winehouse backs up my addicts are weak people theory that is a Pathetic Theory Judging every addict on Winehouse? So Bloody uneducated on Addictions and Addictive Personality or Addicted Disorders you sound like you are lacking knowledge of a Addiction Im a recovering Alcoholic & Addict clean for 8 years However i have addictive personality any thing i get in to hobbies? collecting dvds cds or whatever i go ovrt the top!!!! harmeless…. My Wife is a recovering alcoholic never drank for 12 years she replaced it with coffee Which is harmless and she is the strongest person no and no way a loser
howman, someone get the pizzas in man.
HOW TOONSY!,
where’s ya fridge?
Rodzilla, im normally one of the last off.
Have you been on the drink like?
Whoa whoa, Jimbob, av missed oot of any orlia arguments, but just glimpsed the Winehoos news. Addiction comes in many forms, and should never be mocked; from any angle.
alreet Spence, yem8.
….passing a bit of time til the toon stream (hopefully)
At this rate you’ll be passed oot by the time it starts
Rod – class picture
Spencer, nee chance, ama neet porsin. niva miss noot.
Jerbs, cheers, a like it subliminal.
Jimbob – Good for you. Well done.
It took a few hours but I got a bite in the end
Look, fair play for turning your life around, and your mrs of course, but some people are just beyond help. Winehouse was one, Pete Docherty will be another, Gazza is another…… Obviously you had the strength to change things btu sadly others don’t, and that is what I mean by being weak.
This fury is better than I thought, 14 wins 10 by KO, hes 6’9 with a reach of 85
Spencer – But Klitscho will still batter him….
Sorry, I forgot to mention he’s not lost any.
This fight is why many people are leaving boxing and moving to MMA.
Complete fighters who can fight in all styles, not just bitch slap and then lean on you.
Fury would be emasculated by someone like Cain Velasquez or Antonio Silva in a matter of seconds.
Randy Couture against James Toney proved boxers are nothing in combat sports these days.
aye probably, ive only just started to get into it.
Chisora went mental then
That Chisora spent that whole round just windmilling
FJ- MMA and UFC is better to watch imo.
I like how you never really know what is coming next, like it could look like they are about to go for a punch, but they end up doing a flying knee to the face
Why sell our two top goalscorers for a total of £39mil and then not reinvest part of the money on at least one top quality striker for the fans and the squad?
Toonsy, nee1 is ever beyond help mate,
..”Winehouse was one, Pete Docherty will be another, Gazza is another”
you should know that FFS, you support the Toon.
…either way, I think your “beyond help” quote was maybe a little rash.
That Chisora is just a fat Michael Essien
HOOOOOOMAN!!!!
WHERE’S THEEZ FKN PEET-ZAZ!!!!!
@132
Maybe Chelsea can go for him instead of Tiote?
Rod – If they don;t want to help themselves then to me they are beyond help as that is step one.
Remember, I spent 8 years drinking day after day after day and nearly lost the lot, so for people to say that I don’t know what I’m on about is pure bollocks like when I’ve been through it and beat it myself.
Toonsy, you’re just a lanky Timothy Lumsden, withoot glasses.
I’ve loved MMA since it was just called No Holds Barred and Vale Tudo.
Those guys are the most frightening people in sport. They can knock you out, snap a limb or choke you unconscious without breaking a sweat. They win EVERY cross-style fight organised and they are just bad people.
Boxing has been exposed as an old fashioned sport, both in effectiveness, style and financially as MMA is blitzing boxing in terms of PPV buy rates globally.
The only time boxing draws is when Mayweather, Manny Pacquio or Klitschko fight. Outside that, no one can even name a boxer these days.
@135, sort of fair play, without knowing who you are anarl that.
did anyone find my marsupial wings?
Not to mention the countless deaths and major brain injuries in Boxing.
MMA fights can end in seconds without a punch being thrown. For such a violent looking sport visually, the health statistics for it prove it to be the safest option.
whooooa, I just seen a ghost
Toonsy I was going to have a go at ye earlier but I had a funny feeling you expected me to bite
Jimbob good on you and your mrs mate I have been dry for over 10 yrs now and yeah I know all about the addictive personality everything I do has to be giving 100% lol. I generally find that most people that have had an addiction with drink or drugs tend to be the same type of people, I believe its in your genes and there’s fuk all you can do except to accept thats the type of person you are and try to live with it the best way you can. I never believe that I am over it I just wake up every morning and think right im not going to have a drink or a smoke of wacky today, I try to not get to far ahead.
So Jimbob all the best to you and the Mrs
Got his boy better know t-shirt back on
Rodz – My comment was aimed at that one @ 113 who felt fit to have a go and insist I don’t know what I’m talking about. The fact that I’ve been there and done it, and have no respect for those who can’t do the same as me, is my point.
Addictions are an excuse for a real underlying issue, whichever that may be. There is a trigger point. You don;t suddenly think “oh I’m going to get high on crack today and maybe get addicted”. Something starts it off. The addictiveness is a result of it and to beat it you have to fist want to, then secondly fond what triggered it in the first place. Easy peasy once you do that.
Forster-R Taylor-Coloccini-S Taylor-Tavernier-Gosling-Smith-Tiote-Jonas-Best Lovenkrands
Team for the neet.
Dave – You have mail
Toons, piece o’ t’ proverbial pi55 m8.
Not much of a creative spark in the midfield in terms of spliting the defence open with a pass.
as long as the mountains are green and the rivers run plenty, I’m cool.
Hmm, It’ll be good to see Gosling play.
Abeid, Vuckic and Marveaux will be good introductions too
I hate it when these guys talk up Jesus after just fighting someone and trying to put them in a coma. I didn’t realise Jesus taught how to throw a left hook.
My favourite personal comment is the MMA t-shirt “Jesus Didn’t Tap”.
I’ll be watching Tavernier carefully, see what sort of performance he puts in.
I really hope Marveaux gets 45minutes, I will want to see him in action.
\Funky@151, what squad No has Jesus got this season?
…love to see him get a cross in.
New thread up
New thread up. Move across
Rodzilla,
I think his squad number is 666. Should be no 1 though, he saves a lot. Put him in goal.
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