When It’s Bad It’s Very Bad…#The Results!

One of our less impressive French buys...

One of our less impressive French buys...
Hello I’m Dermot O’Leary and we are here live in London to announce the results of the UK’s favourite competition!

Ok, well maybe it’s not the X Factor and I’m not in London, but I am going to announce the results of the series I have ran on this site over the last few weeks. I’ve personally found it quite interesting because as a younger fan I haven’t seen all the players listed in these articles so I’ve had to research them and when possible watch footage of their ability (or lack of it).

So without further ado here are the players you have voted to be in the team (I have included the description that was in previous articles so you’ve probably already read it…)

Goalkeeper: Mike Hooper – To be fair to the lad he didn’t really have many opportunities in goal, but in the games he did play he was error prone, although thankfully most of his errors didn’t lead to goals. However he didn’t play for Newcastle again after a less than wise move where he was caught laughing on camera when Newcastle conceded a goal.

Right Back: James Perch – When players join a club it is often expected that they will take a while to settle in (look at the likes of Gary Speed and Rob Lee), but Perch didn’t look like he ever would. He managed to amass five yellow cards in his first five games in the premier league, along with “fouls” in our penalty area that thankfully went unnoticed by the referee. Couple that with the fact that he scored an own goal, was at fault for the majority of the conceded goals before Simpson took over after eight games, and you have a player that makes Ryan Taylor look like Maldini.

Centre Back: Jean Alan Boumsong – Like many other flops he arrived with a high price tag, this time of £8 million which was heavily criticised by the fans and media alike. In his first season he played generally well excluding one or two games, however it was in his second season when we started to see the other side of his game. Like his defensive partner Bramble, he soon started to make frequent mistakes which resulted in many fans blaming him for poor results.

Centre Back: Marcelino – Another of Ruud Gullit’s ‘amazing transfers’, the Spaniard joined us for a large sum of £5.8 million and was extremely hyped up. However in a year and a half at the club he made just 20 appearances in all competitions (a recurring theme, eh?). And although he was apparently named 20 times on the team sheet, I didn’t see him make any sort of impact in any of those games. The worst was still to come though, as he astonishingly refused to play for almost six weeks due to a broken finger, which most professionals nowadays would just strap up and play on with.

Left Back: Celestine Babayaro – Babayaro joined the club in 2005, and like many other names mentioned previously in this series he had a positive start by scoring a crucial goal, this time against Chelsea. After a few solid games his performances started to go downhill, with many fans criticizing his lack of effort and determination. To rub salt in his wounds, Babayaro was suspended for three games after video evidence showed him slap Dirk Kuyt in the face when walking to the corner flag. He briefly regained form for a few games, after he honorably decided to play a match after finding out his brother had just died which was applauded by the media. Unfortunately it didn’t last long and in 2007 he left the club, two years later Freddy Shepherd criticized him in an interview calling him a disgrace.

Midfielder: Ignachio Gonzalez“I was being asked to sanction the signing of a player in order to ‘do a favour’ for two South American agents. No-one at the club had seen this player play and I was asked to sign him on the basis of some clips on You Tube”
Those are the words of Keegan and a Premier League Tribunal ruled that Keegan had been forced to make the transfer and awarded him compensation. Also for me, the signing of this player sums up everything that is wrong with the Ashley regime, running the club like a business not like a football club. There’s not really much else to say on the player as he only made two appearances and spent the rest of the season in the treatment room.

Midfielder: Fumaca – Sir Bobby did a huge amount of good things for this club, however his first signing in the form of Fumaca was certainly not one of them. His stay on Tyneside was extremely short lived, only making five appearances for us and even those were blighted by mistakes and lack of effort from the Brazilian.

Midfielder: Geremi – In his prime he was a decent player that Chelsea managed to utilise very well, however when he joined us many thought he was already past his sell by date. Whilst he still had the technique and ability to put in a good ball, he lacked in terms of pace, stamina and skill, which makes it even more of a mystery that he managed to keep his place on the wing for two full seasons.

Midfielder: Amdy Faye – Faye was never going to be one of our greats, or even a good player, as he was brought in as cover for our midfield. In his 31 games here he failed to win over the fans, and although he always gave his all, he just didn‘t have the ability and for that reason he was quickly sold after his first season.

Striker: Michael Owen– Although this is a list of the poorest strikers we have had, Michael Owen has to be included if for no other reason than to satisfy my hatred towards him. I’m not going to spend all day explaining why he’s on here, but in brief his attitude stunk while at the club and after (he had a go at us not so long ago on Twitter), and his performances weren’t much better.

Striker: Xisco – Along with Nacho Gonzalez, Xisco was one of the “amazing” talents that Dennis Wise pressured Keegan to buy (I doubt Keegan had the choice to say no). One of the most appalling things about this whole was that we paid £5.7 million for a SEVENTH choice striker, behind Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins, Mark Viduka, Peter Lovenkrands, Shola Ameobi and Andy Carroll. You could say that he was never given a chance, but in those nine appearances for us he managed one goal and one assist while doing little else.

Manager: Kenny Dalglish: Some may be surprised about the inclusion of Dalglish however under his reign we went from serious title contenders to 13th place. He effectively destroyed what was one of the best sides to grace the premier league, with the likes of David Ginola and Les Ferdinand being replaced by John Dahl Tommasson, John Barnes and Ian Rush. With Shearer being severely injured and Ferdinand and Asprilla being sold we needed someone that could consistently put the ball in the back of the net, but Dalglish failed to address this and as a result his time here could be be described as lacklustre at best.

What a team eh? It’s definitely a stark contrast to the article I put up on the best Newcastle players we have had in the Premier League. I don’t know if I could go to St James’ Park every week to a watch us play if our star player was Marcelino, although I probably would just to have a dig at Owen (There’s only one greedy *******). Despite my hatred towards Owen I now feel it would probably have been better to not include him in the vote as the others on the list had a lot less quality than him, but then again they gave a hell of a lot more effort than he did.

But carrying on from my newly found train of optimism with a dash of realism, just remember that although it seems bad under Ashley, we could still be watching Boumsong…

270 thoughts on “When It’s Bad It’s Very Bad…#The Results!

  1. Reet Lads thats me outta here. 😉
    Toonsy I bet you will have sleepless nights just wait till the bairn is teething 😆

    Rod look after yersel mate 😉


  2. Alot of people seem to be having offspring at the moment, and I don’t just mean the blog, has anyone else noticed this?


  3. JJ – what were you on about @ 72 and now @ 117?
    A lot of people know Troy. They also know Troy’s brother is Colt.
    Troy – What have you been saying on here to get such a bad reaction in some quarters? To be fair, I’ve never heard you insult anyone. I don’t know for sure whom Thad has in mind, but it would be a sad world if everybody agreed with each other, especially about football, or had a style that is agreeable to everyone. Some posts are boring and I skip them, but I wouldn’t pick on anybody up for being boring or suggest they shouldn’t be on here. I don’t think there’s any call for anyone to be abusive, but I’ve never seen that. Even when Thad says about Bobby/Troy @127, “different name, same shitty attitude”, although that is abusive, it is nothing anyone should be complaining about IMO.


  4. Toonsy,good luck to the 3 of you.
    Good link here too ,
    Jon OBI MAKEL father kidnapped in Nigeria and no word, puts things in perspective.


  5. Ye Toonsy I’m nervous too. Havnt been for the scan yet just blood tests.
    My mates all tell me the scan is the best part. Hearing that heart beat.
    Great that your misses will get her wish. Sure things will go great.
    For me it wasn’t planned which adds extra pressure on a relationship of six months, its tough but I wouldn’t change anything… Like Richie said. I know it’ll all be worth the hard work in the end.


  6. On a football related note….

    Aguero 😯 😯 😯

    Fooking hell.

    Man United
    Man City

    Is my top 6 prediction


  7. DJG
    August 16, 2011
    Alot of people seem to be having offspring at the moment, and I don’t just mean the blog, has anyone else noticed this?

    You’ll find August and September is a busy month in the maternity wards 😉 Know why DJG?


  8. Im either awake or in a really deep coma sleep. Can’t understand how some people are in a state of half sleep and wake up in a few seconds. Isn’t it REM dream sleep that makes you refreshed otherwise you get up the next day and still tired?


  9. Moreno I don’t even mean ready to pop. I just mean lots of women are at some stage of pregnency like its a baby boom after a war or something. 😉


  10. DJG,

    Haven’t noticed it any more than usual…

    You havent been sowing your seed across the land have you ? 😆


  11. Moreno@237

    My prediction is:

    1. Hannah Barbera
    2. Formica
    3. Various Plumbing Appliances
    4. 18th Century Marquetry from average dining tables
    5. Cheese (crumbly)
    6. Sintered Crushed Carbide
    7. Joe fu<king Swash
    8. Cheese
    9. A wardrobe
    10. Zeinab Badawi

    …in reverse order.


  12. Well mines only 8 weeks. So I blame it can only be there was no football so had to entertain myself somehow…
    Finally gave the miss some attention 😀


  13. I was sitting in a pub and this kid was great with me. I made a quip to the parents that the lass will want on and they replied, ‘I think it’s you that wants one’. 🙂


  14. JJ – Do I know you? In real life I mean. Going to bed now, and will probably just skip your reply. (I don’t know how to put a little man on, but if I did I think I’d choose the one whose face keeps blowing pink because I’m off to join wor lass in bed now (now I’d choose the first one that’s grinning and winking). Wor lass isn’t preggers, see. (now I’d choose the one with devil horns and red eyes)


  15. “I just want to do my work and I want to be important for the team,” he said. “My work here will be different than it was at Newcastle. In Newcastle I had to attack a lot but here we have amazing players in all positions. It will be different work.”

    Why do people think liverpool are still one of the best clubs in the world? Even the makems where all over them in the second half of the last game. Enrique sir you really are a mug.


  16. Love the pic. ” AAAHH Friend, thumbs up friend” LMAO.

    I am a little out of the loop having been away for 2 weeks. I am a little concerned that we may be getting a 2nd player who has forced a move through going on strike. Not good history to have but good to know they want to be here for now.

    I wouldnt mind a cheeky punt on Anelka too, but another sulky swine. I like the sound of Pieters, sounds like he is more defensive in style, which will allow for a better platform to allow the forwards to push on, plus he is the Dutch first choice LB which cant be bad.

    Whats happened with Bobby and all the multi names etc? Not really sure I have grasped what has happened really.


  17. Raffo…I don’t think anyone is absolutely sure what’s gone on re Bobby. I believe Bobby was on the verge of a final ban, Bobby was killed probably in some reality train related incident & we were all kindly informed by Troy who also invited us to the ceremony in Benwell, which was nice. I couldn’t attend unfortunately.

    So now we have Troy…& people, myself included, suspect Bobby/Troy may be behind other blog users. It’s all very complicated mate, I’d keep out of it if I were you! 😆

    In all seriousness it’s been an on-going side story for a few days & if I’m honest it’s detracted from what the blog is about…to discuss all matters toon.


  18. @all

    It was explained the other day . I’ve always been bobby shinton for my posts on football.

    Troy was originally a character I used for a laugh, a typical charver character.

    Bobby is not a spoof character, they are my views and they occasional fishing rod thrown out for a bite.
    The fishing was never related to football matters though.

    I do continuously challenge peoples views and originally veciferously but for months now I’ve learned that there are too many sensitive souls on here and it’s resulted in umpteenth warnings and bans from Toonsy.

    I decided to kill off bobby because people would not even read my posts and accuse me of being aggressive.

    I now only post under Troy.

    I challenge anyone to find a post from Troy which deserves a ban.

    The abuse towards me does not bother me but it is getting tiresome when I reply with a bit of humour( no abuse) and the same bloggers run to toonsy.

    I will continue to post, due to Toonsys understanding of the situation, but take a step back and read my posts before calling for a ban in the future.

    Regarding the multi pseudonyms. I post under Troy only and that has been cleared with Toonsy.

    Enjoy blogging and let’s not take each other so seriously. 😆


  19. “Bobby is not a spoof character, they are my views and they occasional fishing rod thrown out for a bite.
    The fishing was never related to football matters though. ”

    So Bobby, you “killed off” the character that you actually ARE, and became Troy the chaver that you created for your amusement..

    Right, that clears things up… 🙄 🙄

    Anyway… lets move on…


  20. Booby/Troy. Well comparing your titanic struggle against Ashley and co as anything like the battles of the two world wars quite frankly beggars belief.
    And calling someone a whimp and a battered wife because they disagree with you that Ashley should right off the clubs debt (however much that is) and sell the club cheaply, just to appease so called fans like you is pathetic and childish.
    To be honest with you tho, you have made some very valid points and put an alternative viewpoint which is good as it makes people like me re evaluate our own opinions, which leads to good discussion and banter.
    I have to admit that my opinions can change daily, depending on results/performances and other non football issues such as tw@tter etc.
    Also I am willing to admit that my opinions are sometimes wrong too.
    Its not healthy to be so single minded/opinionated and arrogant to the point of obnoxiousness, even when making a complete fool of yourself.
    Finally it seems futile to keep making the same points over and over and over again. We get it ok. But a little bit of optimism is also a good thing too.
    I’ve never called for you to be banned and neither do I want you banned. Also I always laughed at Troy Stavers having a radge. Shame you’ve turned him into a bible bashing lover boy 😯


  21. BB

    Troy Stavers is such a kiss arse, my word you should have seen him licking Toonsy’s crack last night 😯 😉
    Bobby will be rolling in his imaginary grave. 😆


  22. I’m dissappointed with your reply Troy 😯

    Its ok mate we are 3 threads back. Just let it out, no one else is here and I wont say owt. Lets face it you must be ready to burst. Howay fella get it off ya chest.
    Come on. 😉


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