Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Wolves 1-2 Newcastle

He makes me do this far too much!

Jonas after his miss
Now I appreciate that because of the exotic destinations we choose, sometimes when we go on our holidays it may not be possible to access a satellite system that shows the Premier League.

This happened to me once before in Chang Rai in Thailand where instead of watching an FA Cup Final I ended up taking a ride on an Elephant with the wife.

Being so close to such a huge sweaty animal, farting and moaning all the time was a terrifying experience, but in her defence she’d had a bad Tom Yang Soup the night before and I thought the Elephant ride might cheer her up a bit.

So last week I managed to miss the Blackburn game. Yes, it’s difficult to accept that other people’s worlds may not revolve around the Toon. That they may not be the staunchest of supporters. That their satellite system may not actually have on it even a single channel dedicated to football.

You do come across these people now and again. Usually in the remotest areas of the Congo Basin. Anyway – enough of the whinging. Nobody forced me to visit my sister in Stocksfield.

Saturday afternoon was apparently the hottest day in a hundred years and no doubt we can blame it on global warming. It does make me wonder what they blamed that previously hottest day on a hundred years ago.

So – having just spent a week on holiday you’d think I’d be all relaxed, happy and generous with the ratings. Go figure. It aint gonna happen today.

Three points are never to be sniffed at (unless you are a cabinet minister and your license is getting full) so first of all it was a good result, and as a fan I’m happy – WOO – WOO – but it certainly wasn’t pretty.

Tim Krul – 8

Little Timmy played his cloggy heart out pulling off a number of cracking saves that kept us in the game early on. A combination of Dutch courage ensured the victory.

Without any doubt my Man Of The Match

A couple of poor punches and a dodgy kick or two kept him down to 8

Danny Simpson – 5

I’ve got him down as largely absent. Maybe it’s the system we play, maybe it’s just him, but his lack of contribution was truly “Nolanesque”.

Steven Taylor – 6

Makes an impression when you see him throwing himself around the box, but more often he was spotted running back wrong side of both the through ball and their forward. Half a dozen times we saw him out of position, pointing to either Danny Simpson or Captain Coloccini, telling them where they should be to fill in his hole. Oooerr!

Fabricio Coloccini – 7

Not sure why I’m being so generous – I just want to give him a seven. Not a good game, too many blunders, but better than the rest of the back four.

Ryan Taylor – 5

Caught a couple of times by schoolboy dummies – committing too early. He was lucky that the disallowed goal was, well, what’s the word I’m looking for……”disallowed”.

He had no idea where he was, or, more importantly , where they were.

Caught ball watching more times than George Michael.

Yohan Cabaye – 7

Had a good start to the game but tired in the second half. Is undoubtedly a quality player, just the quality could have been higher on the day.

Cheik Tiote – 7

His work rate is up there with the best and I lost count of the number of times he was the last line of defence, behind both Taylor and Colo.

Made the second goal winning two crunching tackles

He’s solid but can be a little over complicated at times – giving the ball away too often.

Spawned the laugh of the day when Trevor Francis referred to him as Toyote , as in Coyote.

Jonas Goo –Teey – Rez – 7

Only a superb goal prevented this well know Argentinian mispronunciation from getting a 6. Francis not only had difficulty with the complexities of his South American moniker but showed he has obviously never seen him play when he muttered something about a goal being the expected outcome once “Goo-Tee-Rez” got a yard of space 20 yards out.

Nice to hear Jonas has signed a new contract that will keep him with us for years to come – just like Andy Carroll.

Gabriel Hobbiton – 6

Another victim of Trevor Francis efforts, he started off well but faded. We had a host of first half heroes, but with no second coming.

Demba Ba – 7

Another one who scrapes by with a 7 courtesy of scoring a goal. A couple of weeks ago I suggested we didn’t need another Shola, but Ba has a much higher work rate and has perfected the art of standing up AND going in the same direction as the ball, at the same speed. All things Shola has difficulty with.

But unfortunately he also tired and put in a disappointing second shift.

Leon Best – 8

I’m sure there will be a few who disagree but I thought Leon had one of his better games against Wolves. OK, no goals but he moved well, got on the end of passes and fed good balls into the box. Could this be the start of a quality relationship?

Peter Lovenkrands – Came on after 70 minutes and actually got a glimpse of the ball as the ref carried it off at full time.

Danny Guthrie – Came on after 88 minutes and saw Lovenkrands get a glimpse of the ball.

Alan Pardew – 6

No matter who is in charge, or who is playing, we have a well earned reputation for not being able to defend a lead. We have seen over the years that our goalkeeping coach or our attacking coach has left or been replaced, but I suspect our “defending a lead with minutes to go” coach is probably our longest serving employee.

While everyone may be shouting about our defensive record, at 2 up they were rattling them across the goal, lobbing them into the box and pinging them over the bar near enough at will.

Our best defender by far was their inability to finish.

So why even consider defending a lead?

Short of pushing the midfield either backwards or forwards and telling everyone to “run fast” I’m still at a loss to describe our “tactics”. Feel free to chip in here boys and girls.

I suspect Best has been told to play off Ba which seems to be working well, but the apparent attempt at the occasional 2-4-4 formation just seemed to leave us short at the back.

Pardew gets a 6 only because we took 3 points.

Even if we are sitting in 4th position our defence still scares the crap out of me, though I have to say, once I’ve wiped my arse I enjoy watching our midfield, and our forwards are starting to look interesting.

It must be depressing being a Wolves supporter. Where as the Toon Army is seen as an intimidating sea of Black and White, the Wolves supporters are more akin to a puddle of puke. Probably why Wayne Hennessey, in his attempts to add a little more colour, took to the field looking like a tulip.

Howay the lads!

122 thoughts on “Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Wolves 1-2 Newcastle

  1. FJ Not saying you’re knocking HBA mate. Just pointing out that stars can be bent to suit certain cases unless its a like for like thing. Like citing stats for a player who is not going to play in the same position for example. Benny will be presented with more chances in the centre etc etc


  2. Demba Ba, My Lord, Demba Ba, or Lord, Demba Ba 😉

    Demba Ba, superstar, how many goals have you scored so far…………….Toon Toon Black & White Army 😀

    I’ll get me coat ………………………….. 😳


  3. TGS, yiv got that wrang mate.

    Demba Ba is so waiting for the Tenpole Tudor classic.



    (mebbees that’s just me)


  4. Stardust
    You say the only ones who rate Saylor are the ones who have never played…
    Um… WRONG.
    Also, you seem to think you know more than most football pundits, managers etc, all of whom have played at a much higher level than you have.

    I have no doubt we will concede heavily sooner or later. Buy our major defensive frailties are in the fullback positions.


  5. JJ,
    I can honestly say that I have played football with Stardy at Newburn Sports Centre in the year of our lord 2000……………….and he was utter shite, mind you Troy wasn’t much better 😆
    I was awesome 😉


  6. …good lad Rich, one one more thing though, just lower your balls into this blazing furnace. It’s DDA compliant.


  7. TGS, Stardy would kick my ass in karaoke, hands down. Be fucked if I took away his 80s pop card though.


  8. Rod….done, had to shave em first cos me pubes gan all straight when the get wet……..made me eyes water a bit though 😯


  9. Stardy I get some of your criticism for Saylor, he isn’t the most disciplined of defenders when it comes to positioning. But people keep banging on about the weaknesses of him, Simmo and Raylor and tbh if they were all that shocking, it wouldnt matter how good the midfield was, we wouldve shipped a lot more then 4 goals this season.

    I dont know what the stats are now after the wolves game, but before Krul had had to deal with the 3rd least shots of any keeper in the prem.
    When it comes to defence it doesnt always matter about individual performances, it is about the UNIT.


  10. @TGS

    Classic! I still remember you at Newburn leisure centre looking for worms on the astro turf whilst Troy was nutmegging you!
    woo hoo hoohoo.

    To be fair to the Dustsheet who I have no respect for when it comes to football opinions , well he mentioned Steven Taylor earlier.
    Let me say this.
    Oh not about Taylor. But I once saw Dusty nutmeg TGS immediately after I had nutmegged him and back heeled it to dusty .
    What were you saying TGS? 😆


  11. @salano

    Dusty has a hidden agenda with Taylor.

    Taylor is 6ft, dark and handsome.
    Dusty is 5ft, dark and ugly.

    Jealousy plays a big part.


  12. …but I speak in tongues anyfettucini, so what the wardrobe, fish aren’t even verb’s anywhey, times 27.

    (turn around touch the ground, isolated forever)


  13. …and everyone else from wherever bums their fucking wankers anyway, the bastards.
    …and as many swear words as I can fit in, bollocks cunt shit fuck wanker bastard twat nob minge fanny dickhead cock.

    Fucking SPAM filter bastard heads.


  14. ….there’s a MASSIVELY obvious clue as to his motive, depicted within his tash. If only we could decipher the secret of the tash magic fox.


  15. Toonsy, swear filter seems to be working top fucking notch anyway. Divnt nah why ye called iz oot. Nowt wrang with the cunt.

    …fawaty fawa pund ye owe iz anyway. Calloot charge anarl that.


  16. Agree with alot, just one thing about Tiote. he faded horrendously, he was kicked about a bit by the wolves midfield at the end of the first half and didn’t really recover 😐 . Might just be down to him being young but thats when we lost the midfield.


  17. talking about stats and Ben Arfa in such a definitive way is patently daft – because he’s hardly played over here, there simply isn’t a Premier League sample size from which to derive any meaningful statistical observations. Let’s just see how he does this year, eh?

    And no he’s probably not a 15-goal a season guy…. but who thinks that’s his role in the team??? He’s a creator and not necessarily always through direct assists

    And Archie – i reckon you were too harsh on the defensive performance, the midfield struggled to retain possession 2nd half particularly after Ba faded and Pardew f’ed up his subs…. resultantly the ball kept coming back at us and their two wide players played well – Jarvis and that young fella Hammill


  18. If there’s one thing that I figured out writing these reviews its that nobody is right and nobody is wrong – its all about opinion. Typical example is opinion on Stevie Taylor. Personally I think our defence isnt good enough, but I may be biased. After all, I have to clean up te crap off the recliner after watching them.
    But what is also obvious is that everybody has a good review inside them.

    Comments on the blog are great, positive and negative. In truth its the negative ones that make the read worth while. What kind of page would it be if I said great game and you all agreed?

    Maybe some of you should try writing the odd review. Its a laugh. Interesting to see how egos and tempers stand up!


  19. Archie I think most of us struggle to string a sentence together never mind write a review 😉
    Good read as always, don’t agree with all the scores as always and sounds like you married my ex 😆


  20. haha, Archie – i thoroughly enjoy your reviews mate. Don’t worry too much if people don’t agree with u…. but it’s not as simple as other people being too inclined to view things with a positive bent – i reckon your midfield ratings were too high for example

    anyway, to repeat… your witty take on things is always an entertaining read and your individual opinion is just as valid as anyone else’s

    keep up the good work 🙂


  21. The global failure of the team to “turn up” in the second half was unbelievable.

    If I didnt know better I’d have said our midfield were out on the piss on Friday night.


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