Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Newcastle 1-0 Wigan

Cabaye grabs the headlines
If doing my AAA articles every week has taught me anything, it’s that we all have different expectations.

It doesn’t end there. We have different perspectives, we all have our own personal favourites, and if we lived to be 110 we would never agree on what deserves 9 out of 10 and what deserves 5.

Just as a one-off this week, in an effort to generate HEALTHY discussion and see how this ‘opinion’ thing actually works I’m not allocating ratings. Instead I’m going to compare players with other players in similar positions. Here we go

Danny Simpson v Ryan Taylor

Taylor comes up trumps here. Having slagged him off last week I thought he played much better this week. Just goes to show that you can’t really write anyone off over a single performance – like I’m doing with Simpson, now.

Fabricio Colccini v Steven Taylor

Saylor got in a couple of blocks, but that’s what he’s supposed to do. No points for a broken nose and his outrageous appeal when the ball didn’t go across the Wigan goal line didn’t do him any favours either. That’s one of my pet hates. Professional footballers appealing for offsides, throws, free kicks and goals, when they know they are wrong.

So what’s your pet hate? In case you haven’t heard that one, the answer is “a carrot up his arse”.

I reckon Colo was streets ahead on the night. He seemed to get in the middle of everything. He had a slow start but as the game went on he was everywhere and was just like the wife’s gravy. Solid.

Jonas Guttierez v Gabriel Obertan

A fairly similar pair to compare – you’d think – a lot of running but also a lot of stalling. Jonas was involved a lot more and I have to give him the edge. Obertan just wasn’t special enough, and as I mentioned last week he seems to be out of ideas when he gets down to the nitty gritty of a one on one. Jonas may fall over a lot but at least it looks like he’s going somewhere when it happens. Obertan has half a chance if it’s a simple foot race, but otherwise he just seems clueless.

Cheik Tiote v Yohan Cabaye

Tiote continues his recovery to full form as he just continues to get better and better. Cabaye doesn’t get involved quite as much and even with his spectacular goal I’d still put Tiote above him.

I’m sure Cabaye is just settling in but Tiote is the man making things happen for us and stopping them for them. I’m sure there will be a few of you out there think he’s our “engine” but I think you are probably the ones who said the same about Nolan, and maybe you are confused with the numbers on the shirts.

Tiote is our “engine”, and he’s a thumping 3-litre diesel.

Demba Ba v Leon Best

Best loses out here but the “Ba” wasn’t set very high. Sorry – it had to be said.

Hatem Ben Arfa v Shola Ameobi v Sylvain Marveaux

Shola’s purple patch appears to have passed and he was back to the good old Shola that we have grown to misunderstand over the years. A few good touches but a lot more of the old falling over too much and losing the ball.

Last week I said Ben Arfa was crap and it was suggested that I was one of those people who think that a midfielder hasn’t performed well unless he has made mazy runs, dribbled past people or made fantastic passes. Well, errrrr, yes! I really am that shallow. Oh and also the fact that he didn’t get past anyone, got caught in possession more times than Lindsey Lohan and had less attempts to score than the pope.

That was last week. This week with one shot on target, he could have done better. At least he wasn’t wearing those awful red boots!

He should maybe take a look at Marveaux who only came on for 15 minutes and was amazing. His movement was impressive, he took people on and he distributed the ball well. Didn’t put a foot wrong. He reminded me of a young Kieron Dyer, so no doubt he’ll be off in a couple of years.

I’d be tempted to give him Man of The Match if it wasn’t for his limited time on the pitch.

Tim Krul v errrrrr now here’s the flaw in my cunning new-style appraisal

Krul’s sensational save in the first few minutes was one of those moments that makes the opposition go “Oh Crap” and can seriously dent their confidence. The save was simply stunning – not just that he got to it but also that he managed to get it up and over the bar. Strong hand , as the saying goes.

With very little else to do he earned his paycheck in the first few minutes. No-one to compare him with? Who cares! Great performance.


The last ten minutes against Spurs was good stuff but this was one of the better games so far for me.

Alan Pardew tells us it wasn’t “Champagne Football” but I thought it was a reasonable game with a lot of the players putting the effort in, even if they weren’t “pretty”.

It has been said that we are only winning against teams that are below us. You could say the same about Manchester United. As we are sitting in 4th at the moment I’d have to say I hope we continue to do it.

As a final comment I have always considered “irony” to be a beautiful thing.

Last week one poster informed me (and of course the entire internet) that he had read a number of my reviews and I had always been crap and didn’t know what I was doing.

Fair enough I suppose – his opinion.

Included in his comment was a line that my writing was more “funny than embarrassing” which he followed up with another post a few minutes later saying “errrr, that was meant to read “more embarrassing then funny”’

Now THAT must have been embarrassing.

You have to larff!

61 thoughts on “Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Newcastle 1-0 Wigan

  1. I can’t disagree with any of your comments this week Archie as I didn’t see the match….but good read 😉


  2. Great assessment! Miss the ratings though archie! 😆 😆
    Marveaux without doing very much is becoming my favourite player!


  3. Nice change of tac Archie.
    Cant argue with anything really, you got it all nailed on.
    So WHO actually would you give MotM to?
    I would give it to Jonas, because of his overall work rate, both attacking and defending. We do look a lot stronger on the left side of the pitch.

    My pet hate, is players waggling an imaginary card at the ref to get a player booked 👿 Manure Arsenal and Chelski are good at this.

    No rating for Pardew this week then?


  4. Personally I thought Simpson was solid enough. Every time Wigan got the ball they aimed at Raylor who was far too often out of position. Frequently Colo and Jonas were doing his job for him.

    The latter two having a pair of balls, each big enough to win the biggest pumpkin competition.


  5. You could compare Pardew’s peformance with the legendary Hughtons in the same match last season. 😕


  6. It was Martinez who got us the draw anyway, when he decided to get his team to stop playing and defend a 2 goal lead with a quarter of the game to go 😕


  7. Gotta say,

    Agree with most of the article except for saying Raylor was better than Simpson on the day. Going forward maybe, but Raylor was nowhere in defense and Colo and Jonas had to cover for him all the time.
    He was just so slow in getting back and always caught out of position. He also constantly got beat on his outside by whoever was taking him on…

    Not Simpson’s greatest fan but he definately had a better game than Raylor this time.

    Also, though Colo was a little sloppy and too casual at times, so I’d say Taylor edged him in playing terms, if not antics.

    There rest I’d say is pretty spot on.


  8. Archie Good one mate but I prefer your usual good old fashioned moan 😆
    BB your on the wrong blog mate, I think your looking for the ‘ Hooters is God .org’ blog 😀


  9. I imagine STaylor will miss out on wednesday due to his broken konk, so Perch will maybe get a start alongside Colo. 😕


  10. i just voted and we went down from 4.9% to 3.7%…. to quote the famous philosopher…. my mam…. “eh?” ❗ 😆


  11. On Match of the Day, the two goons were drooling over our defensive line saying how organised they were and highlighting this fact with a few pieces of footage. When they circled the left back I could not help but notice it was Jonas keeping the line with Ryan Taylor nowhere to be seen.

    Now this is a queer circumstance….. Pardew wont change a winning side…. But the starting eleven did not win this game in my opinion it was the subs coming on who made a difference.


  12. Maybe it is time for marv, HBA and santon to start in the premier but stoke away just doesnt feel like the right time! 😆


  13. “When they circled the left back I could not help but notice it was Jonas keeping the line with Ryan Taylor nowhere to be seen.”

    That was the case the entire time I watched the game LAC.


  14. Lol i love how we have a bigger percentage than spuds 😀

    Good article archie dont agree with most of it but good none the less. Simpson was better than R.Taylor, S.Taylor who edged motm was better than Colo, Cabaye was better than Tiote who was our worst player imo, Jonas was better than Obertan but both were good Jonas a close second for motm and the strikers were ok.


  15. Big Dave – Agree mate, so do I .

    This being positive shite has taken it out of me – I need a lie down.

    Was just interested to see if there was any logic to this opinion thing. Turns out there isn’t


  16. Icke – I was inspired by Burnley and Preston fans a week or so ago. I spend a lot of time mooching (winding up) on other clubs sites and forums, and they hijacked a poll asking Blackburn fans whether or not they backed Steve Kean.

    When it started only 13% backed him, but by the time they finished it was up to 67% or something like that. The result then got quoted and he is still there 😆

    Funny 😆 😆 😆


  17. Archie – There’ll never be any logic to opinions mate. It’s not often everyone agrees about everything. It’s boring that way 🙂


  18. Toonsy…it looks like Army’s been doinf some transfers on his ff so he must still be about, had you been picking on him Dave? 😉


  19. BB

    Can’t figure Pardew out.

    Between Jonas and Shola we seem to have a philosophy that centres on falling over.

    Is “get as far forward as you can and fall over…” actually a tactic?

    Bringing Shola on at the end – like that’s gonna work twice!

    Marveaux was the turning point. I’d like to see him on for a full game.


  20. Toonsy – you’re right there.

    The day I do an AAA and see streams of “good article Archie, I agree with everything you said”, will be the day I disconnect from the internet and go back to writing Technical Manuals for ball-pein hammers.


  21. BB – Man Of The Match?

    For me it was between Tiote and Marveaux.

    Marveaux impressed in his short time on – did more in 15 minutes than Obertan did in 75, but in the same way that 15 minutes isn’t long enough to stamp your name on the game, it can also be not long enough to make mistakes.

    I’d give it to Tiote. He made a few mistakes but he was involved a lot more than anyone else and without him in the midfield putting his foot on the ball now and again we get a bit exciteable and those little Dairylea passes start to get sloppy.


  22. 18 million pounds to move all thoses gypos from dale farm looks decent value ,It cost liverpool 35 million pounds to move just one from newcastle 🙂


  23. I think one thing we do all agree on, is that its time for Marveaux to get his chance ahead of Oberton. He does look a bit class like. 😆
    Hope to see him start against Blackbum.


  24. I think Benny will get a start aswell.

    How about

    Elliot, Santon (or Simpson), Colo, Perch 😕 , Raylor (or Santon), Obertan, Abeid, Gosling/Guthrie, Marv, Benny, Ba/Best?

    A bit of fringe/returning players looking for fitness etc?


  25. my wife left me yesterday ,she said i think about football more than her Iam devastated ive been with her for 12 seasons 😆


  26. @ Jobey

    Hahaha that made me so happy i cant stand that c*nt and i hope this get lots of time on Sky sports and other media so every can see what a bellend Mark Hughes is.


  27. Just been looking at Stokes home form this season.
    Not nice.
    4 matches undefeated. 0-0 chelsea, 1-0 l’pool, 1-1 manure, 2-0 fulham.
    Its gonna be a tough one for us. I hope we go 4-5-1 and control the midfield. We certainly looked better against Wigan when we changed to that.


  28. Icke – Not a mention so far on SSN. They are too busy mourning the death of modern football after Man Utd lost yesterday 😆


  29. Batty @ 41


    Good read Archibald. Tiote seems to lose possesion a hell of a lot more this season though doesn’t he? Also though it was Simpsons best ever game for us and he was just above average! Harsh? Yep. Do I care? Nope.


  30. BB – Nah he is alright. If he was saying it about this site it would be different altogether and he would be a knob 😆


  31. Moreno – Do you think Tiote is losing the ball mire because he is less defensive?

    Also answer your texts and e mails ye ignorant sod 🙂


  32. Mate,

    My iphone mysteriously fell into a cup of coffee after I had drank myself retarded about 5 days ago and unbelievably hasn’t turned on since. I ordered the new iphone 4s but it takes 9 years to be delivered. Will bosh on my hotmail now, never usually check it as it always just came through to my nescafe…I mean phone


  33. RE:

    Tiote, he is just more confident, to his detriment (when on the ball) I reckon. He is quite predictable on the ball too, managers will have mentioned it to their players pre-game


  34. Moreno – I just think it’s partly between the two. More confident and less shackled if you like.

    In that sense it means that he is trying more risky passes etc which have a lower success rate. Like Benny, he will try special stuff and it won’t always come off. I don’t think fans understand that.


  35. It’s like playing with the lads at 5 a-side.

    There’s always one who tries to do the same turn every time they get the ball. After a while you just know it’s coming.


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