Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Of Mike Ashley

Is he as bad as people make out?
I realize this may sound a little strange but I decided today that being married to Mike Ashley might not be a bad thing.

Eight years ago I move house. Well to be more accurate I actually moved country, changing my base from Abu Dhabi to the Kingdom of Bahrain.

Anyone who has moved any great distance will know that these things seldom go smoothly so apart from the problems with removal company, the dogs, and my car being held hostage by Bahrain Customs, it still didn’t go smoothly.

Having been assured that the house we were moving into was quite large we duly turned up with our container full of furniture to find that yes, it was quite large, but it was also quite furnished, something the company forgot to tell me.

Long story short (you lucky people) the storage room at the back of the garage ended up full of a load of duplicate furniture we’d just paid to ship from the UAE.



First order of business was to try to sell a low mileage washer, drier and double oven to try and get some cash back.

Small problem. The wife said she didn’t want to sell them, because they were still fairly new and she wasn’t prepared to lose money on them, after all not only were they new and expensive, but they were also well travelled.

So after much heated discussion sh-we kept them in the storage room for the next 5 years – until we moved back to Abu Dhabi.

Before moving out we opened the boxes up to repack them for shipping to find 6 gas rings and 2 door seals held together by 12 square yards of rust and a colony of possibly the meanest looking cockroaches that I’ve come across south of Hawick.

So when we arrived back in Abu Dhabi we had to buy them all over again.

At least Mike Ashley has figured out that there’s nothing to be gained by keeping 5000 unsold season tickets in the back of the garage, and that he might as well sell them off cheap before the cockroaches move in.

Got to say that’s probably where the attraction ends. Maybe I didnt think that statement through properly.

Well, anyway, guess what – we’re moving house again, and the place we’re moving to has a built in double oven, microwave, washer etc.

The female version of logic is sometimes more than I can handle.

Anyone interested in used white goods can contact me on 050 3033273 – and no, I can’t deliver.

I thought the explanation from Llambias about restoring the intimidation factor at St James’ Park was a corker.

You can just imagine some young defender from QPR, used to playing in front of 10 thousand at Loftus Road, rolling out at St James and think “Oh, only 48,000 this week – that’s nowhere near as intimidating as 52,387 would be”.

I would suspect, cynic that I am, that someone has figured out that 5000 sold half price tickets can knock another million off the debt whereas 5000 unsold season tickets at 500 quid a piece are in fact worth bugger all. It’s hardly brain surgery.

Taking this a step forward, how long would I need to be married to Ashley before I’m entitled to half his cash?

So – I’m not really sure……..all joking aside, do we love Mike Ashley at the moment or do we hate him?

I’m never quite sure what the correct Ashley etiquette is at any particular moment.

I really need to know, when I walk into a bar full of supporters, is he that Cockney B**tard who is just stripping our club and taking money out? Or is he the saviour of the club, pumping millions in?

It’s a bit like turning up wearing last season’s shirt, I’d hate to get it wrong!

OK so the Dennis Wise thing was a bit of a cock-up but it looks like we might have forgotten that one for the moment, at least until Keegan hits the headlines again.

Then there was the revolving door installed in the manager’s office. At work we have monthly manager’s meetings, but unlike when Ashley first took over the “monthly” bit refers to the frequency of the meeting, not the expected tenure of the manager.

The Hughton thing was a bit of a shocker – hardly endearing Ashley to the fans – but a year later, sitting in 4th place and looking down the table at the likes of Tottenham, Liverpool, Arsenal and Everton, we have to ask if we could have expected that kind of a start with Hughton at the helm? Hell, considering the money spent, could we have expected that kind of start if we had hired Mourinho?

Quick “Hooraahhh!” here for Graham Carr.

Yes, the fixtures have been kind, but we are still in 4th.

What else has Ashley done to piss us off?

Oh yes – he sold Andy Carroll to the Scousers. A relative youngster, unproven at the highest level, and with a predilection for falling off barstools he was sold for a British record 35 million quid. What was Ashley thinking?

We all know that Carroll doesn’t appear to have regained full fitness and form since we flogged him off, so how apt, being Liverpool, that the wheels appear to have come off that particular caravan.

So what else has this Cockney Git from Buckinghamshire (?) done.

Kinnear? Do you mind if I casually skip over that one? Everyone is entitled to a little comedy relief.

Sold off Jose Enrique. I’m sure it is a coincidence that we have suddenly become the most frugal defence in the country, because Enrique, while maybe being a bit over confident at times, is actually a class act.

If Ashley thinks he can just fob us off by bringing in a 20 year old Italian International who can play at left and right back, and up front aswell, well, he’s probably right. I’m feeling suitably fobbed off and not too worried about it. Chuck a “Hooraahh!” in there for Ryan Taylor while we’re on.

So who else has gone? Kevin Nolan and Joey Barton? How can we possibly replace them for less than a hundred grand a week? Not sure – but with the likes of Yohan Cabaye, Sylvain Marveaux and Gabriel Obertan coming in he’s certainly had a damn good crack at it.

Shay Given? A veritable legend. Tim Krul? A worthy replacement.

Who does he think he is, selling players and making money? Before Ashley came along we never actually sold players for money, did we? Lets ask the likes of Andy Cole, Paul Gascoinge, Les Ferdinand, Peter Beardsley blah blah blah blah! .

Oh yes – and the writing is on the wall – or should that be the roof?

He’s also changed the writing on the roof. I remember when the original writing went up in 1996 – there was absolute hell on. And when the signs went up for Cameron Hall Developments and Shepherd Offshore, companies belonging to the then owners, Hall and Shepherd. The fans went through, errr, the roof.

Oh hang on. Actually I don’t remember anything being said at the time. Something to do with them owning the club and sticking the signs up was like a sponsorship thing, in return for the money they’d put into the company.

While all this may be a tad tongue in cheek I do find it rather disturbing that that someone has actually had so little happening in their lives that they have found time to complain that the font is different.

What else has the tosser done then?

Errr, getting pissed at the staff party and making a dick of himself? Good grief, he’s a monster!!

Chugging through a few sites last night I see that yet another website has written yet another open letter to Ashley – exactly what is the point of an open letter – do we honestly think he spends his evenings browsing sites that hate him? There’s a petition on the go trying to get him to leave – not exactly sure what the mechanism to achieve that actually is but if it makes you happy…. And the NUST’s bid to buy the club has now raised just enough money to pay Coloccini’s salary through to Christmas, but not boxing day.

Is it me, or does nothing change?

Mike – If you’re out there reading this we can dispense with the wedding and the ugly divorce – just drop me a cheque for 50 million and we’ll call it quits. If that’s not in your business plan I’ve got a used washer, oven and microwave for sale.

62 thoughts on “Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Of Mike Ashley

  1. Great artilce!!

    Sorry going away from topic so early but Tiote looks like he will be missing Stoke game. If true massive blow for us

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  2. Archie, brilliant article mate. I cannot post a smart response here cos you got me beat, if I was as smart as you I would have written the same thing…. 😆 😆 . Excellent stuff…

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  3. Ashley will sell Tiote or Collo in Jan mark my words. Now he`s got nearly a full house of ST holders again it`s time for another piss take. Lambias told someone I know in he Shark club at tehnew hotel that NUFC have to sell a `high profile` player EVERY season to balance the books. Krul will be away within 2 years, everytime we unearth a Gem they will be sold. For fucks sake wake up to this fat twat. Typical Newcastle fans though, a couple of wins and everytjing is fine. NUFC will always just be an ordinary PL side hoping to surving every season under this Twat. Fuck him & fuck his sick little side kick too.

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  4. Typical Newcastle fans though, a couple of wins and everytjing is fine.
    ————————–
    Typical Newcastle fans though, a single loss and the club is a shambles.

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  5. @Ash Ater

    You obviously believe we are a Champions league team with the same amount of money as the big guns in football. The simple fact is we are a mid table team who are to be improving all the time. If you think we will sell our players without getting our moneys worth your saddly mistaken. Now please go over to .org you will fit in nicely over there.

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  6. The Thing that does me is the constant lies. I’m happy with the resent actions but I really try to just focus on the team outside of the windows. Right now I’m enjoying it more than I have in a very very very long time

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  7. @ (David) Icke & Johno Toon if you think selling your best players every window is acceptable then fine butr the club should have a bit more ambiton that. No wonder Ashley is here for thelong haul with clowns like you`s too around, he could wipe his Arse on the flag in he Cntre Circle and you would still accept it. A club with 50,000 punters shouldn`t be a selling club. Idiots!

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  8. Ash Ater- what do you think he should do instead? If we get good offers for players (and let’s face it Carroll went for silly money, Enrique only had a year left on his contract, Nolan was way over the hill) what else are we meant to do? You’re right we are like the majority of the teams in the league very few can compete with the big boys. How on earth can Ashley prudently invest to the level where we compete with Man U, Citeh and Chelski? He doesn’t have that kind of cash and you know what it isn’t his job to bankroll a club making a loss.
    I’m not saying everything he has done is great I just don’t see what it is you seriously think we could do differently.

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  9. Great read Archie. Whatever’s said and done I’ll take 4th spot for now, with a potential 3rd up for grabs, and just enjoy it while I can. Great stuff.

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  10. easy peeps….Ash Ater is a WUM….who escaped from the dark side 😆 😆 His personal attacks on persons of differing opinion would fit in nicely elsewhere… 😉

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  11. @ Ash Ater

    We sold our so called best players and got younger, cheaper and i would say better replacements how is that unambitious? Stop living in the 90’s you mug we arnt that team anymore. And what has having a 50,000 stadium got to do with anything?

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  12. Ash Ater,

    We are looking like the best team outside the top 6, and we’ve become that over the last year or so of Ashley’s ownership. I would say the way they are doing things, even if we did sell a top player, we will probably challenge Spurs over the next year or so, maybe this year. Arsenal, Chelsea, Man U have a bit of a head start on us, and City’s cash is just in another stratosphere.

    Get a grip man. And enjoy a team and club that are for once working in the same direction. When that changes have a word, until then have a word with yourself.

    A few wins and we’re all happy… your damn right! 💡

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  13. “Ashley will sell Tiote or Collo in Jan mark my words”

    But it isn’t just up to Ashley. In the first place, another club would have to make a bid for one of these players, which may not happen. Secondly, if there was an approach by another club, the player would have to agree to the move, which also may not happen. Both the players you mention are currently under contract with Newcastle United, and are perfectly entitled to stay for the remainder of that contract if they wish to do so.

    If Mike Ashley had the power to sell any player whenever he wanted, don’t you think he would have got rid of Alan Smith and Xisco by now?

    Munich – yeah, I know he’s a WUM mate, but I couldn’t resist biting 😆

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  14. been missing in action most of the weekend but it was ironic listening to blackburn complain against the penalty against them yesterday I don’t remember on wednesday them saying anything when they were awarded one that wasn’t. Be glad to see them out the premier league

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  15. JerseyGeordie – I think we are dwelling on the past a bit here. I dont really think we’ve been lied to that much since they had to own up over the Keegan affair. It’s almost as if theyw ere embarrassed at getting caught.

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  16. Ashleyis running NUFC like any sane person would do. Yes Ash Ater is correct every player on our books for sale and some will be sold this is what was said in around about way in the recently published mission statement. it is no great surprise and is normal business.
    I’ve said it many times before on articles like this when you’ve experienced Westwood, Seymour McKeag and even the madness of Freddy you are glad that Ashley is in control

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  17. Anybody else watch the Chelsea match and hear the commentator saying that John Terry likes to get into spaces that other players want to be in?

    I’m sure Wayne Bridge didnt need telling.

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  18. great thread like enjoyed it,but jabba will get nee xmas card from me,the teams doing v.well.its the manor of how jabba gans about things i dont like,needs work on that front imo 😐

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  19. Even Shepherd has turned around now and said that they spent too much and won too little while he was in charge.

    Ash Ater is entitled to his opinion but I think we have to be a little more open to the changes that are going on in the game.

    I was checking out the team list and we have an impressive number of quality players under 21, which has to look good for the future. As long as you can speak french.

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  20. Icedog

    I’m sure Jabba will be mortified to hear that!

    I’m not saying the bloke’s an angel, he’s just a modern day businessman.

    I reckon that rather than everybody spouting about Ashley leaving, which frankly isn’t going to happen unless there’s a profit in it, wouldn’t having Chris Mort back be a more acceptable compromise?

    Someone with a little more charisma than Derek The Cardboard Box, perhaps?

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  21. Let us hope we can secure Maiga and Peiters in January
    I would say we should strenghthen te squad also in january with a view to the future and two young players i would like to see come in are Nicky Maynard and a lad who turned us down a couple of years ago Victor Moses.
    Maynard is playing for a side bottom of the championship and can probably be brought in on the cheap Bristol turned down a supposed 5 million from leicester in the summer. My reason for bringing him in is Lovenkrands will be a year older and Shola doesn’t seem able to be available for more than a dozen games a season and the jury is still out on Ranger so we need to add to the squad.We could even loan him back to Bristol for the remainder of the season
    For Moses he fits every bit of our transfer policy criteria and is an excellent player.

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  22. @Toby

    Would love Maynard here, he is a cracking wee player. How much do you think we could get him for though? Dont like Moses at all and i think he would cost far to much. How strongly linked are we too Erik Pieters? I thought it was all mostly just paper talk in other words complete nonesense. By the looks of it we have already got Maiga.

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  23. ARCHIE two points mate,
    aye better PR would be a big step forward

    imo jabba will never sell the toon because he is a good businessman hes not going to let 30/40mil a yr slip though his fingers now that its starting to run his way 😉

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  24. Nicely woven strands of mundane architecture, interlaced with accusation and gallant-less rebutted acceptance.

    The point you’re obviously making is that ‘he’s only human,

    He makes gaffes’, lots of them, frequently, won’t apologise, and despite having more money than the fans as a whole, he’s an ordinary ‘Joe’ and I think he would probably agree with that assessment!

    He seems to look down on the fans though, and rather like a tuneless bagpipe player setting a pitch outside a department store, he’s waiting to be paid to move-on!

    There seems to be a concerted effort by the local media to court Ashley, but really, in your wildest dreams can you believe that he isn’t just one irrational whim from the next decisive blunder! (At this club we call the periods between blunders ‘stability’)

    I wish I knew the answer, they’re all dancing to a very un-melodic tune, and the power of prayer is much overrated!
    😎

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  25. Icedog – that has to be step forward from where we were.

    Even Ashley will know that if he spends a little more on players the revenue will increase with European and cup runs.

    We’ll find out how serious he is first week in January.

    How is it every bloody manager we have had for years now has been running around looking for loan deals as the window closes?

    And they all act surprised whent heir deals dont come off.

    Get Coloccini signed to a 5 and a half year deal now, then with him and Tiote tied in any transfer would at least be lucrative.

    You can’t trust Ashley not to cash in but at least we could afford to bring in another french 12 year old.

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  26. Bloody hell lads – we’re not going to get depressed about goig 5th are we, when tomorrow night we could be 3rd?

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  27. Aye you are right ICKE but they are going to struggle – glad we got shot of Barton though QPR are welcome to him

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  28. Missed the first half. Seems QPR were crap and they are getting a right roasting off the pundits. Is this true?

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  29. Alright lads, back from my footie match 😀

    Great read Archie, has to be my favourite article you’ve written for the blog, really good/different take on Ashley, love it!

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  30. I just got live scores up so dont know how the game is going but i would thinkSpurs would be destroying them and could easily win by 4 goals 🙁

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  31. Zoe, thanks – always happy to accept positive comments.
    Seem to get a lot more of the other variety. As long as someone is reading it , cant really complain

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  32. No probs Archie, people have different opinions and so do you. It’s what you feel and that is the main thing. It’s your opinion on things at the club, others may not agree but that is the way it goes sometimes

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  33. WOW archie you have opened my eyes all this time i thought he was a compulsive lyer who had absolutly no idea about running a football club had been found guilty in court of lying to the first manager he appointed tried to sell the club numerous times appointed a fool in j kinnear to run the club got us relagated after 16 years in the premier league sacked the manager who got us promoted told more fibs about reinvesting carroll money and signing players sold our two leading goalscorers from last season and left us with a small fragile squad !
    But now i have found out that his superb and proffesional running of the club all planned and micro managed ofcoarse is the reason we are doing so well in the league and even if we continue to sell our established players or young players come good for big bucks its ok because we will find just as many replacments from france and africa for free every year who will instantly be as good and we will never get injurys so we wont need any cover in important positions .
    Thanks archie it all looks so much better for newcastle united in the long run now !…. and sorry mike 😐

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  34. WOW archie you have opened my eyes all this time i thought he was a compulsive lyer who had absolutly no idea about running a football club had been found guilty in court of lying to the first manager he appointed tried to sell the club numerous times appointed a fool in j kinnear to run the club got us relagated after 16 years in the premier league sacked the manager who got us promoted told more fibs about reinvesting carroll money and signing players sold our two leading goalscorers from last season and left us with a small fragile squad !
    But now i have found out that his superb and proffesional running of the club all planned and micro managed ofcoarse is the reason we are doing so well in the league and even if we continue to sell our established players or young players come good for big bucks its ok because we will find just as many replacments from france and africa for free every year who will instantly be as good and we will never get injurys so we wont need any cover in important positions .
    Thanks archie it all looks so much better for newcastle united in the long run now !…. and sorry mike

    +1

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  35. Wow, Keith
    Been saving that one up for a while?

    I think you’ll find you just agreed with most of what I said

    A couple of things though – the squad has as much quality cover now and is as strong as it has had for years.
    Ashley was caught lying in the Keegan trial and that has stuck with him, even though there is little if any evidence that he has lied since.
    Witht he Carroll money he said it would not be taken from the club, and it hasnt. Just because he didnt use it the way you expected…..
    Its all a bit like telling the wife you’ll put the shelf up and becasue you didnt do it in 5 minutes she’s on your back. for the rest of the week, and people like you, mate, are the wife.

    He’s admitted he got it wrong and has tried again. Suppose you never made a mistake in your life or ever got caught lying.

    In addition to the remark about Kinnear taking us down , we hardly excelled previously under Souness and Roeder.

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  36. I find this an interesting interpretation of Mike Ashley’s reign as Newcastle owner although one that seems to neglect a few glaring admissions. Notably the situation that happened on the last day of the transfer market, as I sure that most of you on here we were just about read to form a lynch mob on the final day of the transfer window after 7 months since the sale of Carroll the board decided to leave it to the final hours of the window to try and address this issue. Despite claims from Pardew that he was 100% a striker would arrive in the window. To claim the squad is as strong as it has been for a few years seems a notable point, are you comparing this team to the team that got relegated ?. Certainly we have no strenght in depth in our current team, what happens when Tiote is injured or cabye ? gutherie or gosling are average replacements. Look at the central defence, an injury to Taylor or Colo could see a dramatic slip down the league.

    Although it is a major achievement to see us sat in 4th in the league and credit is due to Pardew and his team but looking at the teams played so far the two notable examples of Tottenham and Arsenal seem to be the only major challenges we have faced this year. An Arsenal team that were far from full strenght. Others may mention Villa away as a notable result but can Villa be held in the same esteem as they were under O’Neil, certainly not. The recent form of the team against opposition such as Blackburn and Wigan seems to have papered over the huge cracks that were in Ashleys regime. Others may argue that there are no easy games in the league and that our style of play has been the reason we are in such a lofty position. But at the end of the day the fixture list has been certainly very kind to this team.

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  37. @ Archie – In addition to the remark about Kinnear taking us down , we hardly excelled previously under Souness and Roeder.
    These were notable failures under the FS regime we can all agree on that, but if we evaluate the two situations. Kinnear was appointed in desperation, had been out of the game for a notable amount of years. Roeder was handed a contract after impressing given the games he had, even Souness had a notable record whilst at Blackburn getting them promoted and winning the Carling cup if i remember. The situation with kinnear was an absolute joke where Ashley ever found him is anyones guess.

    I’m sure that the Carroll sale was justified by the board as the money would be re-invested in the team. Laying under soil heating at the training ground is hardly justifiable. This was a measure that should have been done regardless of the sale of andy carroll.

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  38. Archie @58 just being as sarcastic as you my friend dont you like it ?
    However , he hasent lied since ” 100% we will have a skriker over the line before the window closes ”
    ” the money hasent been taken out of the club ” cool then could you please tell me where it has been invested in the club id love to know have you seen the knob on the showers and its solid gold !!!
    “people like me ” whats wrong is a fan with a memory and some common sence not allowed an opinion .
    ” he has admitted he got it wrong ” well bravo for mike . but admitting your a tosser and actually changing are two very different things my friend…….
    Kinnear dident take us down a succestion of awfull dections by our owner took us down .
    Souness was awfull but roeder did a good job in my opinion but that doesent matter any more does it because super mike has is and will do a great job in running newcastle isnt that right archie ?

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