I realize this may sound a little strange but I decided today that being married to Mike Ashley might not be a bad thing.
Eight years ago I move house. Well to be more accurate I actually moved country, changing my base from Abu Dhabi to the Kingdom of Bahrain.
Anyone who has moved any great distance will know that these things seldom go smoothly so apart from the problems with removal company, the dogs, and my car being held hostage by Bahrain Customs, it still didn’t go smoothly.
Having been assured that the house we were moving into was quite large we duly turned up with our container full of furniture to find that yes, it was quite large, but it was also quite furnished, something the company forgot to tell me.
Long story short (you lucky people) the storage room at the back of the garage ended up full of a load of duplicate furniture we’d just paid to ship from the UAE.
First order of business was to try to sell a low mileage washer, drier and double oven to try and get some cash back.
Small problem. The wife said she didn’t want to sell them, because they were still fairly new and she wasn’t prepared to lose money on them, after all not only were they new and expensive, but they were also well travelled.
So after much heated discussion sh-we kept them in the storage room for the next 5 years – until we moved back to Abu Dhabi.
Before moving out we opened the boxes up to repack them for shipping to find 6 gas rings and 2 door seals held together by 12 square yards of rust and a colony of possibly the meanest looking cockroaches that I’ve come across south of Hawick.
So when we arrived back in Abu Dhabi we had to buy them all over again.
At least Mike Ashley has figured out that there’s nothing to be gained by keeping 5000 unsold season tickets in the back of the garage, and that he might as well sell them off cheap before the cockroaches move in.
Got to say that’s probably where the attraction ends. Maybe I didnt think that statement through properly.
Well, anyway, guess what – we’re moving house again, and the place we’re moving to has a built in double oven, microwave, washer etc.
The female version of logic is sometimes more than I can handle.
Anyone interested in used white goods can contact me on 050 3033273 – and no, I can’t deliver.
I thought the explanation from Llambias about restoring the intimidation factor at St James’ Park was a corker.
You can just imagine some young defender from QPR, used to playing in front of 10 thousand at Loftus Road, rolling out at St James and think “Oh, only 48,000 this week – that’s nowhere near as intimidating as 52,387 would be”.
I would suspect, cynic that I am, that someone has figured out that 5000 sold half price tickets can knock another million off the debt whereas 5000 unsold season tickets at 500 quid a piece are in fact worth bugger all. It’s hardly brain surgery.
Taking this a step forward, how long would I need to be married to Ashley before I’m entitled to half his cash?
So – I’m not really sure……..all joking aside, do we love Mike Ashley at the moment or do we hate him?
I’m never quite sure what the correct Ashley etiquette is at any particular moment.
I really need to know, when I walk into a bar full of supporters, is he that Cockney B**tard who is just stripping our club and taking money out? Or is he the saviour of the club, pumping millions in?
It’s a bit like turning up wearing last season’s shirt, I’d hate to get it wrong!
OK so the Dennis Wise thing was a bit of a cock-up but it looks like we might have forgotten that one for the moment, at least until Keegan hits the headlines again.
Then there was the revolving door installed in the manager’s office. At work we have monthly manager’s meetings, but unlike when Ashley first took over the “monthly” bit refers to the frequency of the meeting, not the expected tenure of the manager.
The Hughton thing was a bit of a shocker – hardly endearing Ashley to the fans – but a year later, sitting in 4th place and looking down the table at the likes of Tottenham, Liverpool, Arsenal and Everton, we have to ask if we could have expected that kind of a start with Hughton at the helm? Hell, considering the money spent, could we have expected that kind of start if we had hired Mourinho?
Quick “Hooraahhh!” here for Graham Carr.
Yes, the fixtures have been kind, but we are still in 4th.
What else has Ashley done to piss us off?
Oh yes – he sold Andy Carroll to the Scousers. A relative youngster, unproven at the highest level, and with a predilection for falling off barstools he was sold for a British record 35 million quid. What was Ashley thinking?
We all know that Carroll doesn’t appear to have regained full fitness and form since we flogged him off, so how apt, being Liverpool, that the wheels appear to have come off that particular caravan.
So what else has this Cockney Git from Buckinghamshire (?) done.
Kinnear? Do you mind if I casually skip over that one? Everyone is entitled to a little comedy relief.
Sold off Jose Enrique. I’m sure it is a coincidence that we have suddenly become the most frugal defence in the country, because Enrique, while maybe being a bit over confident at times, is actually a class act.
If Ashley thinks he can just fob us off by bringing in a 20 year old Italian International who can play at left and right back, and up front aswell, well, he’s probably right. I’m feeling suitably fobbed off and not too worried about it. Chuck a “Hooraahh!” in there for Ryan Taylor while we’re on.
So who else has gone? Kevin Nolan and Joey Barton? How can we possibly replace them for less than a hundred grand a week? Not sure – but with the likes of Yohan Cabaye, Sylvain Marveaux and Gabriel Obertan coming in he’s certainly had a damn good crack at it.
Shay Given? A veritable legend. Tim Krul? A worthy replacement.
Who does he think he is, selling players and making money? Before Ashley came along we never actually sold players for money, did we? Lets ask the likes of Andy Cole, Paul Gascoinge, Les Ferdinand, Peter Beardsley blah blah blah blah! .
Oh yes – and the writing is on the wall – or should that be the roof?
He’s also changed the writing on the roof. I remember when the original writing went up in 1996 – there was absolute hell on. And when the signs went up for Cameron Hall Developments and Shepherd Offshore, companies belonging to the then owners, Hall and Shepherd. The fans went through, errr, the roof.
Oh hang on. Actually I don’t remember anything being said at the time. Something to do with them owning the club and sticking the signs up was like a sponsorship thing, in return for the money they’d put into the company.
While all this may be a tad tongue in cheek I do find it rather disturbing that that someone has actually had so little happening in their lives that they have found time to complain that the font is different.
What else has the tosser done then?
Errr, getting pissed at the staff party and making a dick of himself? Good grief, he’s a monster!!
Chugging through a few sites last night I see that yet another website has written yet another open letter to Ashley – exactly what is the point of an open letter – do we honestly think he spends his evenings browsing sites that hate him? There’s a petition on the go trying to get him to leave – not exactly sure what the mechanism to achieve that actually is but if it makes you happy…. And the NUST’s bid to buy the club has now raised just enough money to pay Coloccini’s salary through to Christmas, but not boxing day.
Is it me, or does nothing change?
Mike – If you’re out there reading this we can dispense with the wedding and the ugly divorce – just drop me a cheque for 50 million and we’ll call it quits. If that’s not in your business plan I’ve got a used washer, oven and microwave for sale.