Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Newcastle 2-1 Everton

If you have read my last couple of AAAs you will know that we are in the process of moving house.

If you thought that your missus was a fire breathing blood sucking scaleypod normally, see what happens to her when you are going through the hassle of moving.

As I sit typing this on Sunday morning she is proving that women can indeed multitask as she hurls things into boxes, hurls things into the car and hurls abuse at me, and all without missing a beat. I wouldn’t say that the multitasking is 100% efficient – it did take us 2 hours this morning to find out which boxes she had packed the dogs in, and it would have been longer if I hadn’t spotted the damp cardboard, but hey, multitasking is multitasking and I’m just being picky.

Tim Krul – 6

Krul’s record of relative stinginess continues but despite being the meanest keeper in the league Tim’s distribution can be all over the place. A pass from a keeper should not automatically lead to handing possession over to the other team, yet so often it does.

It’s one thing not finding a player upfield somewhere, it’s another thing altogether not finding the field.

Danny Simpson – 7

A good first half, and the cross that led to the own goal didn’t do him any harm at all.

But where did he go after the break? He cancelled out the good work of the first half when he lost Rodwell in the box for their goal.

Steven Taylor – 7

I was half convinced that I must have fallen asleep in the second half. According to my notes Krul did nothing, Simpson did nothing and now Taylor did nothing. But nope, other players had a good second half so I must have been at least semi-conscious.

The defence is looking better these days and it coincides with Taylor coming back into the side full time, but he’s not getting the credit. I think the secret is the stability. They’ve played so many games together this season they can almost remember each others names.

Fabricio Coloccini – 7

Nothing spectacular and no blunders. Colo continues his solid run of performances. Shame Fellaini wasn’t playing. If they both went up for a header together it would take them the rest of the game to pull them apart.

Ryan Taylor – 8

Apart from a superb goal and hitting the bar Taylor still had a fairly solid game. As I’ve been ranting recently, we should at least be having a crack from distance, which is what he’s doing.

Yes, isn’t mathematics wonderful? I was unimpressed when Ba scored 3 at Stoke and I up Taylor’s score for his goal against Everton.

I rate Taylor’s effort higher than all three of Ba’s put together.

Sylvain Marveaux – 7

Had a fairly solid debut but did quite a bit of Ben-Arfaring – running into people, taking people on and immediately losing the ball. All the stuff Ben Arfa was doing the last couple of weeks.

Hope the injury is minor, but you have to ask, not only why these French players are so susceptible to injury, but why they have such weak groins? Doesn’t exactly strengthen the myth about the French being so good in bed.

He confused me when he came out in the second half without his white sleeves. Can only assume Steven Taylor said “you’re playing with the big boys now – take your thermal vest off”.

Yohan Cabaye – 6

An OK start but was also guilty, along with Simpson, of losing track of Rodwell in the box. Didn’t have enough time to convince me he deserves anything more than a 6.

Another dodgy injury, another dodgy French groin.

Danny Guthrie – 8

Last week my rating of Guthrie provoked a surprising response from various Toon Army footsoldiers who questioned many things about me ranging from my understanding of the game, ability to tell one player from another, and well, parentage.

This week I was tempted to give him my Man Of The Match.

A great performance from Guthrie – I was particularly impressed with him tracking back on Coleman at the end of the first half when there was no-one else anywhere to be seen in our half.

Some of you might think I got it wrong last week and I’m making up for it this week, I prefer to think I got it right , Guthrie read the review and tried a little harder.

Jonas Guttierez – 8

Another blinder from Jonas – superb cover for the defence and putting a lot more work in further in- field. We miss his runs up front but his contributions elsewhere are priceless

Man of the Match for me.

Leon Best – 6

A relatively quiet game for Leon but we are seeing a lot more of him at the back.

Showing the weak groin brigade what it’s all about to be a Toon player he waited until he had two injuries before whinging about it and coming off. What a guy!!

Demba Ba – 7

A decent game for Demba despite no goals, but he has enough in the bank to keep him going for while.

As with Best it’s good to see him back in his own box now again shoring up the defence.

There’s a lot of talk about this knee problem that he suffers from but we’ve already had value for our money, and if they are bringing in a number 9 as they claim in January we might actually have a half decent front line.

There’s a funny in there somewhere with regard to his medical, his knee problem and a Geordie Administrator saying “Nee problem? That’s what ah like to hear. All reet – we’ll tek him”

But I can’t be arsed to think it through.

Dan Gosling – 7

On after 37 minutes to replace the injured Cabaye I think Gosling Was a pleasant surprise.

Settled in well mimicking his hero Steven Taylor with a blatant handball in the box but unlike Taylor he got away with it. Not sure that Krul had it covered, so we’ll put a plus in that box.

A good run in the first team and he could be handy.

Hatem Ben Arfa – 7

Only on for the last 20 minutes but certainly impressed with his efforts. Gets in the mix and controls the pace of play and was distributing well. Not so much running into brick walls this week, has figured out it’s the premier league – not the reserves.

Sammy Ameobi – 6

Almost had a full half to stake his claim to first team football, but didn’t quite step up, which is a shame.

With Best and Ba still on the pitch , no doubt Sammy was not in his comfort zone for the first 20 minutes but he needs to impress more.

Not even going to talk about Pardew today. While the team as a whole put in a fair shift I saw nothing that made me go “wow” with regard to tactics.

Last week we were sharp, quick and closed Stoke down as soon as they got a sniff. Where was that this week?

Maybe that wasn’t the “tactic de jour” but I cant see why it shouldn’t have been.

Yeah, we won – another 3 points – but it was another nail biting finish.

We were fortunate that Saha was not on his form of old otherwise it could have been a different story.

With 10 minutes to go we were definitely looking shakey with Everton getting forward enough to keep me glued to the set.

On 83 minutes our dogs Titus and Shola started going mental. Well , actually, it was Titus who went mental Shola just joined in – she’s deaf as a post and had no idea what the hell was going on.

I muted the volume on the box

Ding dong ding dong ding dong!

If I couldn’t hear the doorbell I should have a t least felt the heat coming from it.

Obviously our neighbour’s house was on fire or a plane had just landed on their car or something, so I dashed to the door.

Opening the door I was presented with the distressed face of the neighbour’s daughter

Oh my god I thought, what’s happened?

“Do you have an onion we can borrow? We’ve started cooking and it needs an onion!”

I can’t remember what I said but there was an “F” in it somewhere.

Now I vaguely remember what onions look like but where they live in the natural habitat that is our kitchen is another matter.

So I bundled Bethan into the kitchen and persuaded her that if she really needed an onion so desperately then I was sure she’d figure out where they were.

I was aware of someone leaving the kitchen a minute later and I just assumed that she was waving an onion at me. If it wasn’t an onion, well that was just plain rude.

On 87 minutes off went the dogs again, off went the volume and off I went to the door. This time Bethan was back again asking if we had any flour she could borrow – they were making a sauce and needed flour.

“If you’ll just wait 5 more minutes I’ll come across and make the [email protected]!ng dinner myself!”

At the end of the day – a good result, another 3 points and something that should make the likes of Man City sit up and take notice.

Does anyone else think that the resemblance between Obertan and Tim Howard is so striking that they could actually be the same person? That would explain why Oba couldn’t play for us yesterday. He was playing for them.

Well hopefully the international break will give us a chance to get a few of the injured back on their feet and if further time is needed I hope Pardew takes the sensible option and rests them for the Man City and Man U games, with even Chelsea also being an option. I think we can take a crack at anyone else in the league at the moment so there’s no need to rush them back early and risk injury trying to scratch out a result against those three.

Bringing them back in December would be a bit like putting an African Grey Parrot in the freezer but no doubt the French contingent will be out there wear Parkas under their shirts with their flashdance leggings.

Strange thing – the wife isn’t really into football that much and she’s definitely not a Physiotherapist but she did say that she wouldn’t mind taking a look at Cabaye’s groin to see what she could do with it.

Talk about taking one for the team!!

71 thoughts on “Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Newcastle 2-1 Everton

  1. “If you’ll just wait 5 more minutes I’ll come across and make the [email protected]!ng dinner myself!”

    I LMAO at this. Good article again Archie agree with most of the rating aswell.


  2. Really enjoyed this article Archie, I agree with all of the ratings for once which is a surprise 🙂


  3. Archie what a cracking article as usual and worth waiting for 😆 😆 obviously dont agree with all the ratings but it would be pretty boring if we all agreed. As for Bethan maybe you should just give her a key 😆


  4. Hey, It matters not what the hell went on on the pitch the other day, as it pails into insignificance compared to the copy I’ve just read,
    Archie my son , an extremely jovial read and actually worth reading a seccond time. you’ll still laugh.
    Keep it up mate. I should imagine that even after a defeat,
    (wash my mouth out with soap) we could still have a giggle .
    Well written stuff.


  5. Archie-

    Literally just lol’d. Great article, mate. Agree about Jonas. He’s been graftin harder than anyone in the league so far.


  6. Lol I got a great idea for an article… a poll on how many of us would let Cabaye shag our wife/girlfriend. I bet the results would be surprising lol…


  7. Great read Archie , its the hardest i have laughed in quite a while , really cheered me up . Agree with your ratings except Guthrie , i would of give him a 9 . Thought he ran the show for us and everone should now see the quality the lad has .


  8. Axel funny enough on Guthrie there was a few fans on here a couple of weeks ago saying that Basically he was ****, not good enough and we should get rid asap 😀


  9. BIG DAVE they obviously don’t reconise a talent when they see it 🙄 its a pity that the lad has had inuries or been played out of position when he has got a game . Keegan really rated him and said the lad had talent , say what you want about KK but he always knew when a player had a bit of talent and in Guthrie’s case vision .


  10. Cracking read again Archie, you’ve still got some of the ratings wrong but you’re getting there, slowly but surely 😉


  11. It’ll be interesting if cabaye can’t go this week. As good as Guthrie’s been, I always thought he looked best in a central, attacking roll.


  12. Gutherie has suprised me over the last 2 games i do rate Gutherie but thought he was to be more than a bit part squad player this season but his last 2 performances prove he may just be a little more than that. Competition for places can only be a good thing !


  13. Only change I’d make is to bump Jonas down 1 and raise Guthrie up. Thought the G-Unit was MOM personally 🙂


  14. @18. I always liked guthrie but never thought of him as challenging for a startin place when we were at full strength. But I may start questioning that now.


  15. I learn a lot of from you, Archie!! Its constructive critic of each player’s performance and a very ”direct and no mercy” RATING!!! Different and certainly adds to our knowledge of players ability and potential!!


  16. Gutierrez was knackered after Stoke – not surprisingly – and had a poor game. Gosling looked cumbersome. Guthrie was decent. I still don’t know where Ben Arfa fits. They all looked tired. Were we watching the same game?


  17. gurthie mom imo archie,and jonas was poor,not his normal self think he had his legs run “off” at stoke he will enjoy the break most of all


  18. As long as Tiotes back for City, which he looks like he is then I don’t think we have to rush Cabaye with Guthrie being in such good form.

    Interesting to see who will go on the wing if Marveaux doesn’t make it, my guess is Santon so him and Jonas can drop back and almost make a back 6 when defending!


  19. Sorry, just off tormenting other fans at the moment and came across this on a Sunderland site. It’s referring to us as always….

    “Ba has got himself going, and is showing the flair that caused many of us to consider he might be a good 2nd or 3rd striker at the SoL.”

    So Demba Ba wouldn’t be first choice striker at the SoL? In my opinion he would. How many has Bendtner scored again?


  20. Toonsy: Am done with the draft 😀 Just had to edit something again but now completely done with it


  21. Would Bendtner play the night after his father passed away and then score the equalising goal that sent us flying into promotion? No. He wishes he was as Danish as Lovenkrands.

    The Legend of Lovenkrands.


  22. Dave, A lot been happening as of late mate.

    The latest being moving house and having the internet off for 10 days 👿


  23. 🙁 cant see where u get the 7 for ben arfa he needs some time yet in the reserves if he will play for them. mile off being fit for premier league


  24. Literally just up the street 😆

    But it’s amazing how moving up the road can put you in a much nicer, quieter area!


  25. Richie I seen that 😆 I also seen that wanky tissue admitted he was wrong about someone but didn’t apologise 😆 but then it takes a real man to say sorry 😉


  26. Dave….same old sam old, she’s enjoying working at the gym though, and I enjoy my me time when she’s there 😀


  27. I defo need to plan to go to a game in the new year and meet up with some of the people on the blog 🙂 Have to look at the fixtures first


  28. Did anyone see sammy has had a call-up for the england u21. Well done Pearce ❗


  29. Strange though it may seem there is a fairly large flock of African grey parrots living in the forest at Tervuren a couple of clicks south of Brussels airport. They have been there years with temperatures down to -18C in winter. Locals feed them a mixture of fat and nuts to keep them, and the local squirells, going through the winter. Bit surreal being up to your knees in snow with locals skating on the lake when a flock of parrots squawks overhead.


  30. Toonsy…remember in years gone by Nigeria were one of the great sides in Africa, and Sammi or Shola would have been well sorted playing in that type of team. Remember the great team which pushed England so far in the World Cup, with Roger Milla and the like, a really strong and athletic team. We only beat them due to a couple of super goals and cos we had a bit more nous about us..

    Now the Nigerian national team seem to have dropped down the pecking order somewhat. However, I reckon Sammi is better served getting his England ticket, cos whereas the lad may not actually make the big breakthrough into the England grown-ups team, he could make it for Nigeria, and with that comes all the ANC bother with him being away for qualifiers and stuff… Could be me being a bit selfish, but choose England Sammi…a better deal all round for the Toon.. 😉


  31. If you look to the left of the picture you’ll notice bloke with a white cap on. That’s not me but i’m sat to HIS right (our left). I know i’m not in shot but i almost am :mrgreen:


  32. MM thats what hanging about dodgy places can do to your mind.
    Crappy punk tis a cracking blog on here, surprising considering the owner is a megabus driver 😉 and just onething dont believe everything wanky say’s


  33. Richie….aye Cameroon it was…. 😳 😳

    It’s not possible to have too much Weißbier big man… 😉


  34. Sorry all – new hoose – nee ‘net.

    Toonsy – cheers for answering the one on Cabaye losing Rodwell

    I didn’t blame him for the goal – Simpson was shy then, Cabaye was napping earlier on.


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