Archie’s Alternative Assessment of SJP Naming Rights

The cathedral on the hill.
The magnificent St James' Park.
Cars have always fascinated me. In my reasonably short time on this planet I have had a total of 52 cars and bikes. That should hit 53 next week if all goes well.

My first motoring event, at the age of 11, involved parking the family car in the garage. Generally not a bad thing when you do it the conventional way, but never having driven before I did it via a dry stone wall, finally effecting actual entry through the wooden side wall of the garage. So my first attempt at driving coincided with my first accident, and my first write off.

Taking to the road successfully at the tender age of 15 in a 1966 850 Mini, by the time I finally got round to getting a full license I’d covered more miles than Craig Bellamy.

The Mini was a cracking car once you accepted the fact that you had to get out every 20 minutes and run around to the passenger side to kick the rear wheel arch. There was an electric fuel pump back there that, a bit like Titus Bramble, was prone to taking the odd nap, and to get it going again it usually needed a good kicking, again, a bit like Titus Bramble.

Being a full blown petrolhead and living in the Middle East where petrol is cheap and global warming is considered merely the quaintest of notions, I currently have 3 vehicles on the driveway which have a total of 22 cylinders, adding up to 13.4 litres pushing out 900 HP.

With my alternative viewpoint I actually consider that I am doing more than most to save the planet.

No – seriously.

I generally only drive one vehicle at a time so effectively I have taken 2 huge gas guzzling behemoths off the road.

It works for me.

In the good old days, when a tank of petrol cost less than the car itself, in a moment of madness I went out and bought a Rover that had more holes in it than Wigan’s defence.

After 6 months of fairly happy motoring the M.O.T was due so we put it up on the ramps for a check and found a hole in the chassis that not only made taking it for an M.O.T rather pointless, but also made locking the doors a complete waste of time too.

My mate Scoot had the solution. He bought a tin of biscuits.

The actual tin was bent to the shape of the rusted chassis beams and before being pop riveted in place a thick layer of body filler was applied inside to give it a nice solid sound if tapped during inspection. Once riveted the repair was covered in thick black underseal and the car was driven round a muddy parking lot to conceal the evidence.

A quick trip to the local garage for an M.O.T next day and the car was back to being road legal if not exactly road worthy.

I took Scoot to the local and bought him a beer, thanking him for his ingenuity, and while we were sitting there I said “right – all I have to do now is find some mug to buy the car before it snaps in half”

Scoot, with the attention span of a goldfish, said “I’ll buy it off you, great little car that!”

Scoot was from Seaham. Nuff said.

In those days British cars were considered fairly solid and would last a lifetime, even if it was just a fairly short lifetime.

Japanese cars were reliable but on a damp winter morning you could actually hear them rusting.

What I had bought wasn’t a REAL Rover. I’d bought the b*****d lovechild of the unholiest of unions between the British and Japanese car industries. A Honda with a Rover badge on it.

It should have worked, but rather than ending up with a reliable car that would be around forever, they produced accelerated rust on wheels with no soul.

It’s not about the name. You can call it whatever you like. It’s about what’s underneath. It’s about the soul.

Lying in my pit last night I got to thinking about all the crap that we’ve been though in the last few years. The poor performances, the disappointment, the lies.

But then then I thought, snap out of it – you married her, think about something else.

I then got to thinking about the renaming of the stadium.

Who would be a good stadium sponsor? Whose name would you like to see attached to club? Who would you not like to see?

As has been previously said that, a bit like the wife, any name should be short and snappy. You don’t want the sponsors name having to go around the roof on all four stands.

Nike has been mentioned but wouldn’t that be a bit of a conflict of interests on Ashley’s part, what with him also selling such high quality sportswear?

I suppose if they offered enough money he’d succumb.

That raises another question. What if another football club bought the shirt rights?

Could we be running round wearing shirts sponsored by Man City?

How much would it take for us to sell our souls to that particular commercial Devil?

Then there’s the advertising.

“Building a Champions League Team with B&Q?”

“Samsung Blaydon Races – so we all joined in”

How about combined sponsorship from CISCO and Weightwatchers?

“For when the fat b*****d in your life just won’t communicate!

How about Dulux? “For those rarest of moments when Black and White is just not good enough – Dulux paint!”

With the problems we’ve had with our defence in the past perhaps hemorrhoid cream could be an option?

“Preparation H – when you’re having problems at the back!”

I think we have to accept that a good long term stadium and shirt sponsorship deal could go a long way to clearing the clubs debts, and while I would normally try to avoid venturing into such areas, is it possible that someone like Kotex could end up getting us out of the red?

Remember – It’s not about the name on the stadium. You can call it whatever you like. It’s about what’s underneath. It’s about the soul.

Now let’s hear yours.

92 thoughts on “Archie’s Alternative Assessment of SJP Naming Rights

  1. Great article and I think I want to be like Archie when I grow up! 😳
    I love the build up to the nufc content in these posts and it’s usually a point well made. Like a Terry Pratchett book!

    How about ‘Big Arena’? If Reliance (here in India) takes up the sponsorship. And Big Shirts of course, something to finally cover that massive geordie topless man up.


  2. On the naming of the stadium I am suspecting it is a tactic put out by the board to con us. All year with mission statements and intentions of transfer policy we have been told we are going to be self sufficient. For me that means expenditure is not greater than income over a period of time. We need 8 – 10 million so we are told. We will get that from the sale of Colocini less the cost of his replacement.We won’t be happy with the prospect but they will tell us they have rethought the naming of the stadium and will leave it as St James. Some fans will be relieved that we have only one item of bad news instead of two. The board have achieved their aim.
    Expect Tiote to go in the summer and in windows following prize assets such as Krul and Cabbaye will be sold on.
    Anybody agree.


  3. Given the club’s growing French connections, I think FCUK would be the ideal sponsor. Then we could call it the Fcuk Ashley Arena 😉


  4. This has been the plan from day 1 for me.
    SJH said he asked why MA wanted to buy nufc..
    “to advertise his company to asia and rest of the world”
    And look at us now, SPORTS DIRECT ARENA, covered in SPORTS DIRECT advertising.
    How clearer a picture do you want?
    Its a ****ing joke, a taccy one at that.
    Call me old fashioned but i wouldnt have sold the name ST JAMES PARK for £100m.
    Even if he did we wouldnt see a penny of it.


  5. I’ve just tried that Marmite on a White slice of bread. Bloody chewy bread like and that Marmite tasted like ****e!

    Now where did I put the bairns dirty nappy ? 😯


  6. Archie, dig the articles mate. Nice to see someone offering a different take on things. I enjoy reading all the comments on here, by everyone. The only thing that pisses me off is when people go out of their way to put a poster down on the basis of their opinions. I like a bit of friendly, sometimes abrupt banter, but I think sometimes people take swiping comments too literally.

    I enjoy reading Troy’s posts, but I’m not quite sure why he seems to have a gripe with you. We may just be reading it the wrong way, it’s easy to get the wrong end of the stick reading stuff when you can’t also observe mannerisms. I’m from the North East too, but have been living in Yorkshire now for over half my life. I very rarely get to SJP, sorry SDA, but I fully understand the mentality. You can take the bot oot of Geordieland, but you can’t take the Geordie out of the boy (ooer, that sounds a bit gay).

    I think it’s **** that we’ve renamed the stadium, but it’s done now and no level of whinging is gona change it, so we just put up and shut up. It doesn’t affect the we the team play and it won’t affect the way the Geordie nation are.

    While I’m here I might as well comment on Owlheed’s latest rant too. I’m of the opinion that he ain’t really said owt we didn’t know already, apart from the bull**** over Shearer being responsible for taking us down. The damage was already done in the January window when we were suffering badly through injuries and didn’t reinforce in vital areas of the squad. I personally believe they tactically brought in Shearer because they KNEW we were going down, make our hero the scapegoat, and on many levels it worked.

    Despite Llambias’s rant not shedding too much light on what some of us already thought, it was wrong for him to spout off in a public place and he should have kept his trap shut.

    That was a long post and will probably get nexted by most, but it’s off my chest now. 😛


  7. haha, Toonsy opens up the comment trapdoor with a new post, and my views are jettisoned into oblivion anyway. 🙂 😆

    (****) 😛


  8. @rodz
    I believe I’m entitled to question someone’s understanding of a situation and if I believe it’s because they don’t quite understand the feeling on Tyneside because they don’t live and work here , then I should be allowed to say it, without fear of a ban which is what happened. 🙄

    Because I know some are sensitive over this issue, I will refrain from bringing it up like many other things I’ve been chastised about. 😯 🙄


  9. Troy – Peoples locale shouldn’t matter. I know people who don’t live on Tyneside who are outraged by the name change. I also know people who live on Tyneside and have season tickets who aren’t overly fussed. Your blanket statement has so many holes in it not even a tramp would wear it.

    Just leave the need for digging at people personally out of it and just take the opinion as just that – an opinion, regardless of local, geography and so on.


  10. Troy, I wasn’t having a go at you. I actually said I enjoy reading everyone’s comments. I said I didn’t understand why you seemed to be having a go at Archie. Of course you’re entitled to your views, as everyone else is. In fact, I think I was probably even sticking up for you with the “may just be reading it the wrong way, it’s easy to get the wrong end of the stick reading stuff when you can’t also observe mannerisms” bit. Having said that, I couldn’t give a fk what anyone wants to call me. If it bothers me that much I’ll bite, but I generally tend not to. I did get into a raging war with one supporter a few years ago on Ed’s blog though, who called me an armchair supporter and not a “true fan”, that kind of **** boils my piss if it’s aimed at me, and it’s probably why I brought up the ‘geographygate’.

    Anyway, I don’t have a problem with anyone, not worth the stress. Besides, I can be as big a cnt as anyone when I’ve had a few so I’ll leave it at that. 😛


  11. Rodz – Cheers for the comments.

    I agree with your sentiments

    I have no problem with Troy’s comments – he just seems to have a bit of difficulty understanding that some people may be from the region yet still be able to see a bigger picture.


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