Archie’s Alternative Alternative Assessment

Cisse strike kills off Canaries.
Even with another three points on the board it has recently become increasingly difficult to write anything constructive about the performances of our beloved Toon.

As a born and bred Toon supporter I have recently refrained from resorting to the negative as I know that some of you, as new age liberalists, are incapable of processing anything that does not conform to the positive reinforcement, warm pat-on-the-back, smile till your cheeks crack crap that seems to be the norm these days.

I watched the game and have to say that with the exception of Demba Ba and Papiss Cisse I hardly came away impressed. OK, so Tim Krul pulled off a few more stunning saves but that particular slice of stunning has become the norm.

So – as they say in this neck of the woods – “What to do, yanni?”

As I meander through yet another alternative for my alternative assessments I have this time ventured into the rather specialized field of genealogy.

I found it to be particularly interesting for about three minutes so some of what you are about to read may be less than 100% accurate, but I hope that despite one or two slight factual inaccuracies you may find this thought provoking and possibly mirthful.

I have researched the meaning of the names of the boys who turned out, if not up, against Norwich, and was quite surprised how apt some of the meanings turned out to be.

For example;-

Papiss Cisse

Papiss – a common word used all over Africa meaning “father”

Cisse – a derogative sleight implying an embellished or even effeminate style of movement.

Papiss Cisse becomes the Father of Elegance.

Pretty straight forward. Let’s see how it goes.

A word of warning though. After that last performance don’t expect too many compliments for the players.

Tim Krul

Tim, full name Timothae, unfortunately named after Timotei the Norse god of hair products, and Krul as in cruel, as in bad.

Basically a bad hair day for our keeper

Danny Simpson

Contraction of “Simp Is On”. Merely and interpretation, not an opinion.

Mike Williamson

Williams as in “Bills” as in “Old Bills” as in “Plods, plus “on”

Williamson – “Plods-on”

Fabricio Coloccini

“Colo”, contraction of “co-located”, and “ccini” – variation of “ccino” meaning frothy top (cappu-ccino)

So if you are Williamson, Coloccini is basically someone playing alongside you with a frizzy head.

Jonas Guttierez

Jonas – from Hebrew meaning “he who destroys”. Guttierez. The “ez” suffix indicates “son of”, “of” “from” or “by”. Guttierez is from the South American Yeismo dialect meaning “descending”

Jonas Guttierez quite literally means “He who destroys by falling over”.

Yohan Cabaye

Yohan – variation of Ecclesiastic Late Latin “Joannes” with religious overtones, essentially meaning “Is Great”.

Cabaye – a derivation of the Peruvian word cabayt which refers to a specific calendar period, thought to be 29 days – the Incan equivalent of a month.

Yohan Cabaye literally translates to mean “Is Great, but not for 2 or 3 weeks”

Danny Guthrie

A name that stems from the scrap trade in the late 20s, a “Guthrie” was a useful object of great value which for some reason was completely overlooked, and discarded.

James Perch

A fish out of water – very similar to a Guppy.

Hatem Ben Arfa

Hatem – from the Aramaic word for “hirsuit” or “hairy”.

The word “hat” originated from this word – a contraction of the original, meaning “to cover the hair”

Ben in Arabic means “son” but also means “small boy”

Arfa is an old Egyptian word for a supplier of hardware to the clothing trade. Things like mannequins and sewing machines.

So Hatem Ben Arfa is interpreted as “the little hairy boy selling dummies”.

Demba Ba

Demba is a gambling term. A Demba is a bet that doesn’t seem to make any sense, like betting on a horse to win when it has never had a top five finish in a three horse race.

A Demba So is a no hope bet with one additional complication. That would be the equivalent of betting on QPR to win the league, knowing that Joey Barton has just been given a cigar and told to sort out youth morale.

A Demba Ba is a no hope bet with multiple complications. A bit like taking a player with a chronic knee injury, who is being almost given away by a team being relegated, whose agent wants a fortune, and who has already been rejected by Stoke.

Sometimes when a Demba Ba comes in and you can win big time.

Alan Pardew

Alan is a relatively modern name coming originally from the Arabic greeting “Ahlan Wa Salan” which means “welcome”

Pardew is a contraction of the French “Part – Deux” or Part Two, or, in this case conveniently the “second half”

Alan Pardew is telling us “Here’s the second half and you’re welcome to it”

Now for an in depth match report that I think covers all aspects that need to be considered.

“How we weren’t a hatful up by halftime amazes me, and how we didn’t throw it all away in the second half is also astonishing.”

I think that about sums it up.

Two things to finish with.

First – How does a “hatful” mean “lots” when you can only get one head in a hat? Surely a hatful should be one?

You don’t say “I’ve got a scrotumful of beers then pull out a six-pack, do you? Unless you live near the Nuclear Power Station waste pipe.

Secondly – the rumour that our owner has been having an affair with Hollywood actress turned out to be a misunderstanding.

What actually happened is that someone had spotted Cisse’s paycheck lying on Ashley’s desk.

A bit like the time when the police arrested Barton because they thought they’d overheard him planning a double assault an actress, when in fact he was just boasting that he was going to humiliate one of our midfielders in training the following day.

Apparently what he is thought to have said was “I’m going to f***in’ nutmeg Ryan”.

Oh well. Let’s just sit back and wait for the next one.

25 thoughts on “Archie’s Alternative Alternative Assessment

  1. Anyone know how many away tickets u can get with a membership got one membership but need 2 tickets for swansea away


  2. TROUBLED Toon player Nile Ranger has been arrested again. The 20-year-old was taken into police custody last night for allegedly breaching bail conditions, which ban him from Newcastle City Centre.

    The striker is due to appear before magistrates this morning.

    A Northumbria Police spokeswoman said: “At 11.17pm on Monday a 20-year-old man was arrested for breach of bail conditions. He will appear at Newcastle Magistrates Court this morning.”

    Ranger, whose loan deal with Championship side Barnsley ended earlier this season when he was injured, is currently awaiting trial after denying assaulting four people on a night out.

    Bail conditions imposed by the courts ban him from entering the parking meter zone in Newcastle unless playing in a match.

    Read More


  3. Ranger – what a waste

    It seems that some people just dont know appreciate a good thing when they have it.

    A bit like my first two wives


  4. BigDave
    Hope you enjoyed it – the footballs getting a bit tearful at the moment.
    Hope Pards continues to give Barfa a few starts – get him going


  5. For gods sake, what the hell is wrong with Ranger ,aargh he does my head in ,why cant he see how lucky he is . :evil

    On a brighter note brilliant news about Fabrice breathing on his own and talking too 😀 😀 😀 😀 Happy ending i hope.


  6. “Jonas Guttierez quite literally means “He who destroys by falling over”. 😆
    Another good laugh Archie 😀


  7. Newkie
    Wouldn’t be so bad but there’s an element of truth in that one.
    I did a lot of research for this article.

    Well , actually I got bored after about 3 minutes and just made it up from then on.

    I resisted the temptation to have a go at Shola


  8. Well, it all seemed pretty damn plausible to me…
    Foluwashola Ameobi just means “shits on mackems” doesn’t it?
    Unfortunately in most contexts it just translates as shit…


  9. Newkie
    I was thinking more along the lines of whats another name for shit football?
    Ameobic Dysentery


  10. Archie – another cracker. Made me laugh, which is a problem ‘cos I’m at work, in a quiet, open plan office. 🙂


  11. So ridiculous about ranger. What a total waste.

    Good news about Marveaux though! Hopefully he’ll be fit by mid-April


  12. [email protected] – cracking read that. If you really want to know why we are where we are financially and why the club is still behind the likes of Liverpool and Spuds from a financial point of view this article tells you. It also shows what a remarkable job has been done in the last 3 years


  13. Archie yeah mate I always enjoy your warped view 😆 and I normally get a good old laugh at them. And with the way we are playing lately its good to get a laugh


  14. Archie – that was excellent mate. Most enjoyable.
    Appreciate your 3 mins of effort.
    Rib tickling stuff


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