Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Newcastle 2-0 Liverpool

Papiss grabs his second of the game
This time last week the wife was packing – heading off home for a family reunion.

We went through the checklist before she got into the taxi – ironing done, meals in the freezer, woman coming in to do the cleaning, enough Frosties and milk to last a month, and then she says to me “NOW can I have my passport” – like I’m some kind of Ogre!

Seven hours later I get a text from her telling me she’s landed and she’s heading for the Duty Free. 15 minutes after that I get a text from my bank advising me that my credit card has just bought the Duty Free.

In her absence, having finally tipped the scales at a less than svelte 250 pounds it was no surprise to look in the freezer on Monday afternoon and see a shortage of things like steak and kidney pie, but I honestly thought it wasn’t possible to freeze lettuce.

To add insult to injury, beer is out altogether, and I’m restricted to a couple of glasses of wine a night.

Now here’s the problem.

Toon playing Liverpool, no wine in the house and a frozen salad lurking in the kitchen.

What do you do?

The night was saved by a fridge full of beer, the number for Pizza Hut delivery and a wife who never reads my articles.

All totally justified by the final result which, lets face it, could not have been guaranteed with a bowl of crispy green stuff and a glass of something that apparently comes from Jacobs Crack.

My Alternative Assessment for this week was already written.

Perch Simpson and Williamson were useless without Colo there to cover, Tiote was going to need another couple of weeks to get back into his stride but we could always depend on Krul and Jonas to put in a good shift.

Hang on, lets have another look at that.

Tim Krul – 6

Nothing special from Tim this week. A good finger tip save onto the bar but looked a bit shaky at times. I was a bit disappointed that he seems more intent on gobbing off these days, and have to say I wasn’t impressed with the fact that he went up for a ball against Carroll, punched him on the chin and Carroll didn’t even flinch.

Full credit to him though for pulling out of the challenge that got Carroll booked. He’s already spent too much time with Suarez.

Danny Simpson – 7

Life is so much better when you actually get away with stuff.

Simpson could have been off early on for a handball on the line that would have screwed us, but he wasn’t, it didn’t and he came out a hero.

Decent game. Played the odds, got away with it.

Mike Williamson – 8

Bit of the usual Dancing With The Stars but he also got away with it, and nearly got a goal aswell. Cracking game but he doesn’t get my Man Of The Match

James Perch – 9

I think I might have been a bit generous here, but that’s probably because I normally expect so little from him. I was almost looking forward to slagging him off and telling you all how you’ve just been too bloody forgiving and now look what he’s done….. and then the bugger shafts me by playing a corker.

Without a doubt my Man Of The Match, but not impressed with his amateur dramatics at the end.

Jonas Gutierrez – 6

Poor old Jonas was always onto a loser. Commentator reckons that Dalglish put Bellamy on the wing when he heard that Jonas was at left back. Bellamy was just too quick for him, and while he gave his all, as he always does, he was completely outplayed by the little Welsh mouth breather.

Yohan Cabaye – 7

Played one of his better games of late. He’s been off the boil for a while but turned it on against the ‘pool.

Danny Guthrie – 7

Another decent shift – I hope we can find a way to keep him.

Cheik Tiote – 8

Straight into his stride with a solid blocking performance. He does a brilliant job playing just in front of the two centre-backs, and I think that Cheik and Cabaye are responsible for the vast improvement in recent weeks to our DairyLea passing game. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the lads knock it about in those little triangles with such confidence. Superb.

Hatem Ben Arfa – 9

Another brilliant performance from the French lad, though in all honesty Enrique did a fine job of marshalling him down the line.

It is expected that we might lose one or two decent players in the summer as Ashley cashes in on his new business model. Benny might be one to go, but I hope not.

With Cabaye and Benny in midfield our two strikers are now getting service.

Unfortunately we are starting to expect such great things from him that a performance like this doesn’t get him Man Of The Match

Demba Ba – 8

There’s a lot of talk at the moment that Ba has gone off the boil now that Cisse has arrived. I like to think that he’s just focused on other things. When he first arrived Ba always played with either Best or Ameobi behind, knocking the headers on to him. Story appears to be that Cisse is actually the better striker and Ba has turned provider.

Either way – having both of them in your lineup can’t be a bad thing.

Papiss Cisse – 8

So – only 8 for banging in 2 goals when Ba gets 8 and doesn’t score? From my seat Ba seems to work a lot harder for the team.

Not complaining, well, OK just a little bit. CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO CISSE ABOUT OFFSIDE?

Twice he was standing a yard offside looking along the line. Yes yes yes, I’m being picky, but it’s a bit like the wife’s Yorkshire puddings – there’s just no excuse for it.

The subs did a decent job, but nothing of note so we’ll skip over them and on to Pardew.

The plan had to be to just niggle Carroll and hope he puts himself out of the game, and a yellow card after a few minutes took care of that, and pretty much the same with Enrique’s younger brother, Suarez, who was basically, well, rubbish.

As a whole our makeshift back four hardly inspired confidence and there were times when I was viewing the game through the green tint of a Heineken bottle, but the result was just that and three more points on the board. Personally I would say that was one of the best team performances of the season and the way the boys were throwing themselves in front of everything was , well, Tayloresque.

I don’t really consider Pardew a tactical genius but what he has achieved this year is not far short of a miracle, so he must be doing something right.

One of the highlights of the match has to be spotting a Ron Weasley look-alike in the crowd when Cisse celebrated his first goal.

If you thought that Cisse’s Paycheck and NutMeg Ryan were bad last week, playing Liverpool has opened up the door for Kenny standing on the side line yelling at his Dutch forward to keep an eye on Tiote, or rather “CHECK OUT CHEICK, KUYT”

Yes – I know – like the wife’s Yorkshires!

35 thoughts on “Archie’s Alternative Assessment – Newcastle 2-0 Liverpool

  1. Good read Archie, the main thing was it was a good all round performance where we chalked up another 3 points and managed to frustrate the ex-mags. Our slump in form now looks a distant memory. I wonder when was the last time we won 4 or 5 in a row, we should believe we can do it.


  2. Love it, thank you. I think we should also mention we are now level with Chelski in 5th, 11 points ahead of the bin dippers who are below Everton and only 3 points away from 13th place. Interesting reading for anyone still thinking NUFC lack ambition and they want to leave to play in big cup and win something.


  3. Good read Arch.
    On Cisse, I noticed for his second goal yesterday, and against WBA, that he literally didn’t even break into a jog to get into the position, okay yesterday he was offside, but his anticipation seems to be phenomenal.


  4. The lads are turning it on at the right time like winners tend to do.
    Good job by pards and co. to not only have the lads focused and prepared but also in finding these lads with great character.
    It’s the reason I believe manure seem to be always near the top under fergie.


  5. Great read!

    mentioned it on the other thread but is anyone else worried about obertan? Must be bit embarassing to be left out behind fergie? Must be injured surely?

    One a positive note I thought man for man we were far better than the bindippers. The one critism I have was we didnt try to batter enrique when he went in goal! 🙂

    Anyone else thinking that things can only get better???


  6. Hmm Liam do you think that could be an indication of where he sees Fergie’s best position?
    I mean we had Santon and Raylor both on the bench who would get on at left back ahead of Fergie.
    Yet if Ba/HBA got injured we didn’t have Obertan on the bench who would surely be a lot more suited to those positions than Vuckic/Gosling/Shola. So this might mean Pards sees Fergie as more of a winger than a defender?


  7. Ba is playing out of his skin for the team, he is playing left side of a midfield 5 and still bombing forward, great formation and the basis for our recent good results and performances.


  8. Solano – it would guess as much but just can understand the sudden exclusion; i rate fergie but not over obertan IMO


  9. Maybe pards knows ba’s knees will pack up so he wants £30m from PSG to ease the blow


  10. Yeah I feel the same.
    Must be some niggle or something. Tbh I don’t understand our bench, if Ba or Benny got injured we would have had to reshuffle the formation that is working so well.
    Is Sameobi injured? Guess if the worst had come to the worst it would have been Raylor at left back and Jonas filling in as one of the front three. Obertan surely injured otherwise it doesn’t make too much sense.
    Ah well, in Pards we trust :mrgreen:


  11. I think Obertan is still injured, not heard an update about him recently though.

    Santon and Raylor can both play at right midfield too, and obviously Jonas can push up into a midfield. If anything it suggests that Pardew favours versatile players on the bench.


  12. Good Game and am starting to think that we only need 1CB who can play LB(possibly Mr.Carr is lining up some1) that am happy with then if we can get some good young cheap wingers and bring in potential youth in plus give the likes of Harris, fergi n co… some cup games or FAcup and if we progress to last8 then we bring experienced players to win a cup…. and am sure we should get into europe next season so all players need to be fit and ready to fire…
    long live Ashly …hehe 🙂


  13. bringing in Eric Pieters will ease some damage… he can play LB and CB… good and then we have Santon to play RB/LB hehe 🙂


  14. Interesting insight from a Liverpool p.o.v.

    That was absolutely atrocious from Liverpool. Suarez was awful, the worst I’ve seen him play in a red shirt. Bellamy too. Gerrard anonymous other than one good ball in the second half. Carroll was decent, but still not mobile enough IMO. Skrtel at fault for the first goal. For once Carragher was not the weak link in the back line. At least Shelvey and Flanagan were good, and looked like they actually wanted us to win. But worst of all was Dalglish. He seems to have made no tactical preparation whatsoever for this game, or to combat Newcastle’s style. It isn’t the 80s anymore. You can’t just stick your best players out and hope for the best. You can’t leave it til 70 minutes to make a sub when you’re 2-0 down. And when you do make one you can’t take off our one decent-looking midfielder. Those “sacked in the morning” chants are looking ominously accurate. I hope they are. Kenny is way way out of his depth. I hope someone’s given John W. Henry AVB’s/Rafa’s/anyone’s number. He can’t even motivate the players. The lack of effort or desire when we went two down was just ridiculous. Even Gerrard looked forlorn, and then told Dalglish to get off the pitch and leave well alone when trying to figure out who to put in goal. What does that tell you about the authority Dalglish commands? Legend or not his time is up.

    Rant over, very very well done to Newcastle. They were superb. Realised we’d be there for the taking after recent performances and really did just that. I hope they kick on and do even better next season. They deserve to do so much more than we do.


  15. Archie another cracking read and this time I pretty much agree with your scores.
    For me MOTM was Benny it would have been Perch except for going down like that it was embarrasing, and has took the gloss of the game cause that is now the talking point.


  16. Saw this from Pardew after yesterday. The man is a master of class. With comments like this, I could see people wanting to play for him.

    Newcastle boss Alan Pardew had sympathy for Carroll, but he has backed the former Toon hero to come good.

    “I think Andy is a player that needs to have a game-plan that is going to work for him and I think Liverpool have struggled to find that for him,” said Pardew.

    “When we had him here we were probably a little bit more direct than we are now and he was magnificent. He will be again. It is just a question of getting that balance right.

    “It is a very fine line. I felt for Andy today. He is a terrific lad and he is having a tough year but he will come back.”

    Also perhaps a not-so-subtle jab at Daglish for not figuring out how to design good tactics to use his $35M striker.


  17. Bloody hell a Liverpool fan with a brain 😯
    whatever next 😆
    The clock is ticking for Dogleash.
    Big Dave – do you think our passing has improved in the last two matches or so.
    Good job we pointed it out to them what needed sorting.
    Archie – good write up mate thanks again. Have to agree with you 100% about the confidence the team exudes. It shows with the neat little passes, 1/2’s, flicks and tricks etc. All good stuff.
    Just hope we can carry this on to the end of the season.


  18. aye big dave you were right getting the shin tattooed was a bowl of fun

    from 11 till 4 a hour free handing it on like… the owld dogs got photos if you get nosey :mrgreen: :mrgreen:


  19. BB – pards just called asking for you two to start taking the video analysis sessions with the team 😉

    Entertaining as always Archie, much appreciated


  20. Loved the comment yesterday on “Game on” when somebody asked how many more goals do we need to score to go above Chelsea? ” and the answer was “Only 16”

    Keep up the humour lads.

    Though its always easier to be humorous when you’re watching good football


  21. I think for the first time for a long time it looks like we have not only a front line that can score, but a midfield that can provide service.


  22. Big Dave – gave MOTM to Perch because of the bravery and fortitude he showed in overcoming his serious facial injury.
    He was up in like seconds! What a bloke


  23. Dub – cant mate I’m a techno phobe. Takes me all me time to get this pc fired up. 😳


  24. Archie we have also got a back four and GK that can keep clean sheets.
    Not doing to shabby like are we ❓


  25. [email protected] -He was up because Liverpool players dragged him up 😆
    Good ,funny read by the way and I would have to agree on your scores .Cisse is bloody brilliant ,you can tell he’s not 100% at his top level yet with a bit more time he will be unstopable.You gotta feel for any defences coming up against our three front men 😀 :mrgreen: . I hope we can keep those 3 together for a long time ,don’t want owt upsetting the apple cart now we got such a great frontline.


  26. Perch gets a 10 for me. 9 points for an excellent performance and also an added bonus point for ensuring humiliation for “goalie” Enrique.


  27. I agree about Ba he seems like a really nice guy when I’ve seen his interviews earlier in the season when he was banging them in he always said scoring is good but winning and helping team mates is always what makes him happiest. He hasn’t scored but he has been amazing even though he’s knackered he keeps running and running and he’s supposed to have a dodgy knee. He was instrumental in the last away match too on the break he’s very clever with passes and don’t forget it was playing on the left of a 433 at west ham where he scored 7 in 12 so he can do it.

    Demba’s scored 16 since Ramadan……


  28. Lecky-

    Spot on. That was worth all the tea in China. I laughed my ass off when I saw that Enrique was between the sticks and wanted us to put two or three past him in the last 10 minutes. How grand would that have been?


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