Archie’s List

Do you remember when?

Do you remember when?
In the middle of March my beloved other third (she’s not very tall) decided she was going home to attend a wedding and a family reunion.

Since then Pardew’s Boys have notched up six consecutive victories scoring 13 goals and conceding only one.

She’s already extended her stay by a week to give us half a chance against Stoke and I have even suggested she delay her return through to the end of the season, but quite frankly married life should not be like this.
As the saying goes, when she’s away the sex is the same but the dishes pile up in the sink.

She’s due back tonight so I’m now a little less confident about Wigan on Saturday.

Moving on – other websites, where the contributors are significantly less evolved with regard to their manipulation of the written word, instead of taking the time to research a real article quite often resort to just publishing “lists”.

Lists are easy. You don’t even have to make real sentences. And they are usually compiled by people whose opinions are, well, let’s just say, not worth the paper they’re thought on.

Recent lists have included “The 10 most hated Players in the Premier League”, “10 players who rue the day they left Newcastle United” and “the 10 most over-rated players in the league.”

While I quite never understood why Andy Carroll, as a mere slip of a lad on seriously stupid money, would ever want to “rue the day” that he doubled his salary and joined Liverpool, I did find it amusing that Joey Barton seems to feature in every list.

Well – I thought – if they can do it, and still claim it’s journalism, then so can I.

First choice for a list was the 11 best players that no longer play for us. This was an interesting concept. Make a team made up entirely of decent players who moved on in recent years, who are still playing for other teams. You can start with Shay Given, Charles N’Zogbia, Craig Bellamy, Scott Parker, Andy Carroll and Jose Enrique, to name but five and stroppy Welsh dwarf. I was convinced I could put together a top six team with our rejects, but then I was looking at the likes of Titus Bramble, Sebatien Bassong, Habib Beye, Jermaine Jenas and Kieron Dyer just to make up the numbers.

So that kinda fizzled a bit.

OK – so how about Mick McArthy’s top 10 aftermatch interview excuses?

Or – the top 10 aftermatch justifications of why it wasn’t a penalty?

Or – and this would be one of my favourites – top 10 quotes from commentators where they wished they had kept their mouths shut? David Pleat suggesting that there was nothing wrong with Ben Arfa because he wasn’t rolling around banging the ground would be up there somewhere. The fact that he’d broken his leg was neither here nor there.

But I decided to go with “10 reasons Newcastle United will go straight back down after promotion”

Think back just a few months and I can guarantee that you either heard, or even said, most of the comments below. I know I did.

1 – They sacked the Messiah and we ended up in the Championship with Chris Hughton in charge CHRIS HUGHTON? What has he ever done? The management know sod all about football!

2 – They sacked our beloved Chris Hughton – the nicest man in football – and replaced him with Alan Pardew. ALAN PARDEW? What has he ever done? The management know sod all about football!

3 – They sold Andy Carroll for £35 million and didn’t bring in a replacement. And we all know that they won’t put a single penny of that back into the club!

4 – They allowed Jose Enrique to move on to better things at Liverpool. He was our best player.

5 – They refused to improve contract conditions for Kevin Nolan and Joey Barton, who left as a result. How can you expect to seriously challenge for Europe if you allow your best players to leave?

6 – Lack of depth of squad. How can we expect to do well with the likes of Mike Williamson, James Perch, Shane Ferguson, Davide Santon, Danny Guthrie, Haris Vukic and Ryan Taylor as our backup?

7 – The owner is a southerner who understands neither the region nor the club. He sells tee-shirts on the internet for god’s sake! He wont do well if he doesn’t understand the people!

8 – The owner has changed the name of the stadium.

9 – Our recruitment policy seems to focus on relative unknowns who are either out of contract or injured, and 12 year old French kids. How can that possibly work? Just so Ashley can flog ’em on and make a few quid.

10 – And here’s the best one – “Don’t get too excited – the bubble will burst!” (Guilty as charged, M’Lud!)

Also a quick mention for this old chestnut: “The club can only move forward if it is owned by the fans”, so – all we need to do now is find either 50 fans who each have a spare 5 million quid, or 5 million fans with 50 quid each, and we’re on our way.

Shola keeping on scoring against Sunderland and us being where we are now. Neither makes any sense.

But no matter what happens with the rest of the games this season the team have surpassed all expectations. 6th is two or even three places better than we hoped for. If we can finish in 4th and Chelsea don’t win the Champions League then I’ll probably have to walk around with a constant supply of wet wipes in my trouser pocket through until September.

From here on in – it’s all gravy.

As for the wife – If we win on Saturday I suppose she can stay, but any other result and I’m shipping her back to her brother’s house until the end of May!

43 thoughts on “Archie’s List

  1. 11. The fans are deluded and heap too much pressure on the players. Dont they realise we will never be top 4 ever again.
    12. The fans Know nowt about football 😆


  2. Great read….

    I can guarentee that every one of us has uttered at least 3 of those at some point during the past 3 seasons….

    I remeber railing against the Pardew hire for several days….

    Just goes to show that no one ever knows how things will work themselves out….


  3. What about us not buying a defender in January.. fuk that has bitten us in the arse 🙂 🙂 …..we have been lucky tho 🙂


  4. 11. Pardew is just a puppet and Ashley and Lambias know nothing about football, which ‘isn’t a business’.

    12. Pardew will fall out with the chairman and sleep with his wife, remember that one. 😕

    13. We don’t need to increase revenue with name changes or sponsorship, we can compete with the big clubs with fairydust.

    14. I’ve never heard of Cabaye or Pappis Cisse so they MUST be average.

    15. Ashley is looking to sell up as quickly as possible and cut his losses. bullsh!t M’Lud!


  5. This has nothing to do with the article (sorry archie) but I was just having a little think about Davide Santon and therefor I have an itch that needs to be scratched.

    These past few games the lad has been sublime. Defending well, linking up with midfield and producing carving runs through the oppositions players.

    These brilliant runs get the lad into some brilliant shooting positions. When the crowd cries ‘shoot’ he tends to pass the ball. In fact he always passes the ball bar the shot he made vs stoke last week.

    Is it just me or should the lad be doing some training on shooting? His lack of shooting prowess seems to be down to a lack of attacking confidence so surely a bit of training will put this straight.

    Davide has NEVER scored a proffessional goal. Something I’d love him to rectify as I think he’s totally capable of doing so.

    What do you lads think? ❓ ❓ 🙂


  6. Nobby, maybe he practices shooting at training but sucks arse at it 🙂 hence no shoot during game ?


  7. We will sell Tiote & Krul in the January transfer window! From unkown source 🙂


  8. Nobby- the lad is quite young and still getting used to a new country, new league etc and suddenly finds himself in a cutthroat battle for a CL spot against some of the best players and clubs in the world. Still he has settled far quiker than enrique did
    His confidence will continue to grow. Agree that he looks like a hell of a player


  9. Nobby I know what you mean it is nice to see other players scoring goals but I am quite happy with the forwards scoring the goals if he can keep up this level of defending and creative play down the wing. Now that Jonas is in a more central and defensive role it has actually given him the opportunity to attack more and become the left winger when Ba go’s central which is great. When the commentator said ‘every Newcastle player looks comfortable on the ball’ I though, well, we still have Simpson and Williamson. But Santon is more than just a defender, he is comfortable on the ball and can make runs forward.


  10. “Ben Arfa will never be the same again, and he was an average player before who will never work for the team, sell him in the summer!”

    That’s my personal favourite 😆


  11. Nobby-I know what you mean, he’s got up to the outside of the box on several occasions but sometimes seems reluctant to have a shot.

    But firstly I think he’s not actually had a clear cut chance-even when he shot into the corner there were several players in the way etc and he kind of scuffed the shot which might have put him off.

    Secondly, probably the pressure. I know the fans yell shoot, but they’ll be disappointed if it sails wide and he knows it-presumably he figures leave it to Ba, Cisse, Benny, Cabaye, Tiote, or even Jonas who can all have a pop and are perfectly capable from shooting from distance. Although once we’re 3-0 up I’m happy for him to have as many pot shots as he wants, I’d probably still prefer him to pass, unless of course he’s in a great position..which I don’t think he’s found himself in yet.


  12. Richie :mrgreen:
    Feck off you scoundrel, I’ve always been loyal to Ben Arfa and his unbelieveable tekkers…Just like I definitely never complained about Pardew’s appointment…. 🙄
    Seriously though, Benny has something *special* about him that puts him apart from the squad…would be great if Obertan could prove his doubters wrong as well and I guess he’ll get more chances with less pressure next year in Europe?…Can’t see it though 😕


  13. 🙄 Richie @16 🙄 :mrgreen: 😆
    I think you nearly hooked a whopper there…
    …NEARLY. 😆


  14. Hmmm ❗
    Cant see Ashley ever selling us now.
    Perhaps thats not such a bad thing, seeing as how other owners have made such a balls up of it at other clubs.


  15. I think its disgusting when someone tries to hijack an article that has had almost 5 mins work put into it, after only 7 comments. 😈


  16. Obertoon isn’t a bad player to have in the squad, even if he is just a supersub next season. He showed what he can do on the counter attack at Blackburn when they started to put nearly everyone up in our half, which was getting dangerous.


  17. 24 :mrgreen:
    Haven’t you heard, Mancity at home is the only game that defines a season. If we lose we’ll have had a sh*t season, proven we can’t beat a top team and therefore we’ll never have a hope of reaching the Champions League.



  18. ” yeh I heard the lad got a release clause in his contract ” Arry re Ba,followed by every manager ,pundit and journo in the land! 😉 👿


  19. There has been alot of talk around where we will end up after the next 4 games.. I think in all the excitement of the possibility of CL football, we have almost forgotten about the fact that this fantastic season we are having is drawing to a close.. I am struggling to remember a more enjoyable season than this one. I think it will be a bitter sweet feeling when the final whistle blows.. Yes we are in Europe next season but the thought of no footy on the weekend will be hard to take..


  20. Kimtoon, sorry about not replying yesterday.. I was staring at the back of my eyelids for a few hours.. 🙂


  21. Good read mate. You’ve struck upon a personal hatred of mine – Lists! 👿

    I don’t mind things like Player of the Season or Top-five goals of the season or stuff like that as it’s current and has something tangible to look back on, but when it’s stuff like “The 20 great ‘transfer regrets’ within the Premier League” it boils my piss. They are pointless wastes of energy based on very little


  22. i really hope our supporters don’t think this means we are a top 4 side next year…. 😯

    We have been clever but also lucky this season and to build on from now with success is almost impossible. 😕

    I hope and cross my fingers for the lads 😆 🙄


  23. Aussie – Nah I don’t mind possession stats as I’m still aware that games of football are won by scoring more goals than the other team. Really simple init?

    What grates me is people who moan about us winning and pick fault because we haven’t had enough possession 🙄


  24. Whats a win ❓
    Its been so long I can barely remember 😆
    ( I over heard a mackem complaining at work ) :mrgreen:


  25. Aussie Magpie Fan @35 – dont get me started on stats

    Not so much on stats as on the ridiculous variations they come up with.

    Most distance covered is the one I cant get my head around.

    Is that an inverse stat of “Stood still the most”?


  26. Nobby – Santon was an attacking player at Inter through the ranks but ‘the special one’ convinced him he’d make a better full back when he broke into the senior squad.
    That is probably how he is finding the positions but I agree, he could do with finding his shooting boots because a full back who can notch around 5 goals per season would be a great asset.


  27. Top 10 whiners in football was a list I saw the other day…very surprised not to see a few names from .org on there 🙄


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