Llambias and Pardew: The Meeting: The Minutes

Say it Derek. Say it!
Say it Derek. Say it!
I’ve been sat at my computer for three days, I haven’t moved – even to go to the loo. My legs are numb and won’t respond. My eyes haven’t blinked, my mouth is open, flies have been crawling in and out but I can’t close it… What’s happened?

The ambulance has arrived, my wife is leading them to me, not that I can see – I can’t turn my head.

“What’s happened love?” I hear the paramedics say. My wife replies “I don’t know, he was sat reading the monitor then nothing, like he had short circuited”. The paramedics knew what to do thankfully, they shook my mouse from under my clenched hand bringing the monitor back to life. There it was in front of them – NewsNow.

Classic case of “Pardewdidntgetsackeditis” I hear them say. There are thousands of Newcastle fans locked into the syndrome, hundreds of thousands of other club fans are locked into it too.

What’s the prognosis my wife asked. “Just have to wait till the end of September/early October when he inevitably gets sacked,” said the paramedic.

Great I thought sarcastically, just when I thought things couldn’t get worse.

I sat there wondering, I started thinking of all of my NUFC research, my mind cast back to Pardew’s family tree. Must be in the genes I thought, thinking of his Great Uncle Harry Houdini. Not even Houdini could have escaped a locked safe, full of boiling oil, buried in 600 tonnes of quick drying cement with 10,000 barrels of burning oil flowing all over it – and Pardew was in a far worse state than that.

What could he have said – how could he escape? I can see the boardroom now – Derek takes centre stage, “Alan, we have a few questions we want you to address, can we start with number one – What fitness regime have you had the players on?” Pardew bristles “Derek it wasn’t my fault, Sheila in the canteen has been serving processed peas, not garden peas and Steve and John couldn’t find a techno beat for the players to train to, Agadoo was the best we could find, plus when I said make them the fattest I meant fittest, it was my accent, the lads were just following on from my instructions, just look at them they’re good guys, Johns like a good all rounder, literally, and Steve’s a, Steve’s aaaaaaaa, Stevey’s good crack in the club – social that is not football, they inspire me to be fit – the players too.”

Derek looks over the top of his glasses “fair enough Alan, I’m sorry, we will buy plenty of garden peas and  get plenty of new tunes, some elocution lessons perhaps – its our fault, we accept responsibility for our mistakes we trust you will do the same. Moving onto question two – the players look abject, disinterested, confused and they all stand static in their own half just hoofing the ball.”

Pardew smiles knowingly, “Not my fault Derek you see the interpreters all caught flu – I got the message over the wrong way, when I said to everyone ‘look clueless then hoof it’ I meant attack and defend with passion as a group with lightning speed, neat interplay and sublime movement and as for the hoofing, it’s the new boots boss, the new sponsor Cloggs have made them straight kicking at an angle of 45 degrees, not my fault at all.”

Derek’s eyes are like saucers “bloody hell Alan, why didn’t you say – tell me what angle you need the Cloggs for next year and I will take personal responsibility they’re right and I’ll get plenty of Beechams, I’m so sorry we let you down.”

Derek sits bolt upright “Alan we bought you five superb players in January, they started off brilliantly. What happened” Pardew gasps for air, relieved he can answer a question easily “Derek you need to have a word with Carr, he is getting me the wrong players, he is working to his own brief of skill, flair, technical, right attitude I’M SICK OF THESE TYPE OF PLAYERS, I HAVE A SQUAD FULL, IT HAS TO STOP AND STOP RIGHT NOW – I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE  – I CAN’T DO ANYTHING WITH THEM – AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR! PLEASE can those terms “skill, flair, technical, right attitude” be removed from the handbook and be replaced by simple ones – “Hoofers and Cloggers” shall suffice boss. In the main Hoofers though, 90% v 10% Cloggers and if not in that exact ratio I have my excuse lined up for next year.”

Derek leaned back in his chair “Eh you’re sure about this Alan, well, erm, eh, ummmm, well I do want stability so Hoofers and Cloggers it is, Jean make a note to sack Graham, get Joe Kinnear on the phone – we need a new chief scout”

Derek goes on “and the development squad, their development seems somewhat stunted, going backwards perhaps, like an undevelopment squad, they were some of the best around” Pardew chirpily says “A few things there Derek – first no Hoofers and Cloggers in the – 90% v 10% remember” Pardew winks and gives Derek a clenched fist nudge to the shoulder before shadow boxing around him “…and if I can’t blame the younguns who can I blame eh, I mean if we get them back to full speed with Beardo around, I mean where does that leave me in my excuses for a thin squad, I don’t like your direction, so on that basis I have a two stage plan; 1 – All coaching in Cantonese; that’ll prepare em for Europe and 2 – Shiela in the canteen is doubling up and training them now after breakfast, Beardo to serve lunch – big lunch JC insists on that, ready made bag full of vulnerable excuses I have now, brilliant – what a plan”

“Now Alan, about our form” Derek says while simultaneously feeling the inside of his collar a bead of sweat tumbles down his forehead and settles, hanging on the end of his nose “No need to say anymore Del, you don’t understand, you see we had games, in the league for christ’s sake – do you know what that’s like – and we had to play in Europe, no one wants that, we struggled because of that and if you keep me I promise not to get us there again, last year was an accident anyway, I guarantee to be the lower half of the league each year and our form will improve to top 10, but beneath the Euro places, how’s that sound?” exasperated Derek is feeling feint “So you’re saying that you guarantee to keep us out of Europe and because of that our form will improve but you will keep us out of the Euro places at all times?” Pardew is thrilled Derek appeared to grasp his genial logic “That’s it boss, it’s called the middle league yo-yo effect, clever stuff eh? Oh and I will keep us so unfit we will be injured loads. Not any more than any other team mind but I will tell the fans anyway, I do now, here Derek listen to this – carefully…….”Shola’s out” – did you feel the shudder at the mention of it? I use it lots.”

Derek has a little bit of sick in his mouth,” er I’m not sure you come across as believable to the fans.  I mean for gods sake, have you watched yourself on Match of the Day”  Pardew stands silent he starts to cry, “did you not read my C.V. boss when I applied. I’m registered disabled…with goldfish syndrome, you can’t discriminate against me can you? Plus I’m not a particularly bright goldfish either, can’t remember what I have said for one moment to the next”,  Derek fearing a lawsuit “oh no no no Alan, carry on bulling, I love it, fans do too.”

Derek braces himself, this is it, the moment he has to put the poor puppy out of his misery “Look Alan, thanks for your explanations, I have loads more questions but I’m just not sure things are working out” Pardew bursts into laughter, Derek quizzically screws up his owl like face “Boss, Derek, Dell, Dekka, Sonny Jim” smirks Pardew – “remember the days of the nude streak across St James?”  “Yes” gulps Derek “I have pictures…”…….pause…….”….Pee Wee”

“We’ll thank you for your time Alan, a thoroughly enjoyable meeting, shall we say stability is the key, moving forward on all fronts united together?” “Yep Dekka that’ll do it”

“Fantastic” sighs Derek “Now, if you’ll take this bottle of nitroglycerin – in the name of stability – could be a new slogan “Volatility, the new Stability” love it………and I will see you at the end of September eh?”

My wife arrives, wipes in hand, I have four more months of this hell. “Now dear, if you let me lift this cheek”, grimace, how I hate bloody Great Uncle Harry Houdini!

359 thoughts on “Llambias and Pardew: The Meeting: The Minutes

  1. Mark-because saying anything else would get him stick, I thought 8-10 with a good europa run would be acceptable although that was also when I thought the ba contract clause would be done in the summer and if we did sell him it would be for more like 20mil rather than 3.5 mil..Laudrup also said that Newcastle will invest heavily…Well I bloody hope he knows what he’s on about then …



  2. Laudrup thinks we will invest heavily? He best come over and do it for us then 🙂


  3. [email protected]: “I was just curious. I was not asking to ridicule.” I didn’t understand that reply until I went back and looked at my comment at 271

    I missed a necessary word out of my comment 😳 It should have read “Are you looking to hit *on* me, mate?” It was meant to be light hearted. 🙄 Didn’t mean to accuse you of anything sinister. Sorry about that.



  4. Spot on Blip. It’s like everything he says – total bollocks. It’s possibly the most annoying thing about him. Basically he’s saying to get up to top 6 we HAVE to have a 6 foot 4 defender.


  5. @Newkie. aye, i would of been happy with 8-10th. If it wasnt for 2silly fouls we could of won the Europa cup 🙄 admitting hes happy not to be in it was a bit stupid. who doesnt want to be in Europe..? lol probably Laudrup next year when theyre battling relegation 😆


  6. Munich @297 knacker ned made my laugh.

    For those who didn’t see it, the positivity radiated by Keegan in the first part of his indepth interview last night, was in so much contrast to knacker ned’s negative, pathetic mindset, it does make you want to weep. He said how the quality of the squad when he arrived was really pretty poor but he gave them belief and showed them what they could achieve and they did.
    They were playing way beyond their capabilities. Contrast and compare to our talented bunch last year who looked scared and confused.
    Right I’m going to dig out my Entertainers DVD’s and go on a trip down memory lane to cheer myself up.


  7. Could it be that there are some ulterior motives at work here ?…

    1 – Our manager has a tendency to blather pish at times, which tends to get supporters (especially the anti-Pardew brigade) frothing at the mouth…

    2 – “the media” know that Pardew is always good for a few corkers, so are only too happy to fuel his “style” accordingly…

    3 – it’s the silly season, where all the crazy rumours kick off…

    Is the real truth somewhere inbetween ?

    Is it all Aussie Magpie Fan’s fault ?

    I’d love to turn off my laptop until the beginning of August, but it aint so easy… 👿


  8. Pards is here to stay chaps lets all cheer up 🙂

    Could be worse – could be stoke fans with a manager who incredibly still gets a job despite behind just plain rubbish


  9. I know the club belongs to Ashley and he wants it to be self sustainable but does he not want to invest some of his own billions in helping us along. ?

    £10m -£20m per year? As supporters, we pay for season tickets which are a considerable chunk and percentage of our income.

    Some may say why should he. Of course that’s right and fair. He may just want it to be a business only commodity. But I thought these people get into football to have a bit of fun. £20m per year sounds enormous to us paupers but its serious peanuts to a billionaire.

    I wish he would look upon the club as a hobby and not a business.


  10. Geordie [email protected], glad I could cheer you up a bit there mate 🙂

    I reckon that the old KK was like a meteorite, the bloke arrived on the scene, and through his sheer power and personality had people believing and provoked them to perfom way above their station… However, the flame may then go out, be it after 2, 3 or 4 years.

    I could imagine Pardew affecting the toon players similarly, and in fact he did the first season. We’ll see how long his flame burns… he needs to develop for sure, tactically last season we were really poor…


  11. [email protected], settle down big man. Without Ashley we would be in liquidation. Do you expect him to spend money too ? 🙂

    He’s gonna get a minimum 120 mill over the next two years JUST FOR TURNING UP … 👿


  12. Troy do you think that £10m is going to make any difference. We need to be spending £50m a year to compete with the big 6 and I can’t see any payback for mike to do that. The approach he has will deliver 7-10 most seasons and that is what he is budgeting for.


  13. The toon won’t survive this season unless we spend a minimum of 20 mill. That’s just to stand still..


  14. Dunno if many of you saw but we have been ‘linked’ with 5 players this summer redmond, ince, srktel, mccarthy and belhanda and carroll if money is right.

    So if we were to spend £30m in getting those 6 in and £20m sale of cabaye (bear with me here) it would only take £10m to make us a top 7 team?


    Debuchy, Colo, Mbwia, Santon

    Sissoko, Tiote, Mccarthy

    HBA, Carroll, Belhanda

    Bench; Elliott, Skrtel, Taylor, Anita, Marveaux, Ince, Redmond, Cisse, Gouffran, Jonas


  15. @Prem & MM

    I appreciate £10-£20m is not huge and can only get you so far but it could be the difference of a Europa spot or not. Its a top player on top of what the original plans were.

    When he first arrived at the club, he is quoted as saying he would invest £20m per season.

    He doesn’t have to of course. Its his money and club. But it would be good if he thought of the club as a hobby instead of a business.

    Just a thought. Greedy feckin bastard! 😛


  16. On the principle that’s owt’s better than nowt I agree troy. It could be the difference between 7-10 or 10-15.


  17. Mark-Aye, certainly I thought we played more attacking football than Chelsea did against Benfica but Chelsea just seem to have that knack..

    Ironically, Ivanovic gifted Swansea their first cup as well. He is usually solid, and yet he gives to goals away to an average Swansea side who Chelsea dominated for both legs, and then Swansea get to play a fecking league 2 side in the final.

    Laudrup might be a good manager, but honestly I think the footballing gods might just love him.


  18. 1mn wisely spent is better than 20mn pee’d into the wind.

    I expect us to stay on course – Parpoo has shown he can’t get the best out of quality players anyway – So whats the point of great signings – i am bracing for another season of discomfort – listening to his bull, terrible tactics and bewildered players.

    I’m the ever optimist too – shows you how lowly I rate him!

    I just can not see any circumstance where he could keep his job – I’m still incredulous a week later


  19. [email protected] Ashley has said a lot and usually changed his mind after a year of it not working. We’ll focus on youth…or maybe not. We’ll buy players of at least 18 like Bigi and Amalfitano…only we won’t play them (bigi actually looks good to be fair, Amalfitano who?)

    Anyway, I think they owe themselves and us at least 15 million regardless because of the huge cock up they made with Ba’s contract. Here’s a tip, dont ever allow a 20mil player (he was imo a 10mil player even just after his stint at Wham) to keep a 3.5 mil get out clause in his god damn contract you fckin halfwits!

    Honestly I think so much of the trouble in our season came down to that and the juggling we then had to do to try and keep him and then get him and cisse firing and blah blah blah.


  20. @Dusty

    But would you not just sack the next average manager in 2 yrs as well. You should be venting your anger at your hero Mikey instead of Pardew who is only there cos of your illustrious leader. 😆


  21. Stardy, who is agent stardust posting on eds site? Is it you or Troy? The poster said they they were a mate of yours? I think it might be Troy as he has only one mate and it is you. 🙂 🙂


  22. I don’t think Pooey is average – I think he is way below that – I think Hughton is a far better manager too.

    It’s almost as if Ashley is afraid to make the change, scarred by the volatility of recent years


  23. Agent Stardust is a mate of mine (The Hexham Strangler – for TS info)

    I don’t read .com but he has told me he posts taking the pee out of me there


  24. i feel sorry for our fans. we got a owner with no ambition and llaimbais who knows nothing about football and pardrew to kiss there ass’s!


  25. @Newkie
    Don’t forget the directors 17year old son getting Hazard sent off.
    I know he didn’t make Hazard kick him. But it wouldn’t surprise me if they recruited some older lads and told them to try and waste time in the final 20 mins


  26. @Stardust

    I know who agent Stardust is.

    I’m surprised he doesn’t come one here for the banter. It does he under another pseudonym?


  27. I have found out the secret ! Tomorrow is the day for the Hexham Stranglers first blog appearance!

    Hope that’s his nickname


  28. Hello, Its me here. Big Andy.
    I am trying my best to get back to the Toon. Me and AlanP have a secret plan in operation and we are tricking the Scousers.
    It won’t be long before Im back then I can start playing properly again.
    You will all love it. I will batter every defender that comes to St James. You are in for a treat.
    See you all soon,
    Andy Sexy Carroll


  29. Welcome agent stardust/geordie carroll… you were banging about Carroll at eds place so, I guess you are one and the same.. 🙂


  30. are midfield must be the worst in the league. its the midfield that needs improving more than anything! guterez, toite, cabaye, i think all 3 should be sold but we would be lucky to get rid of them! i hope pardrew gets a midfield coach soon because he doesn’t have a clue! are midfield could have eased the pressure off our defence at times. 2nd half aston villa is a great example.


  31. @Terry

    Many would say our midfield is the strongest department. Barfa, Cabaye, Tiote, Sissoko, Goufran, Anita, Marveuax


  32. Will we ever attract a top manager with this buffoon in charge;

    Lambias talking about Hughton;

    “He would never have taken us where we want to be. That’s my decision by the way,” said Llambias when asked about the sacking of Chris Hughton.

    “Chris can’t make decisions. If I am asking about a player, Ben Arfa? he says ‘I’m not sure, blah blah’.”

    “With Chris, he couldn’t cope with where we are mentally. We are aggressive. You need to be aggressive. I don’t want a manager below me who can’t argue. You guys don’t understand how f****** horrible we can be.

    Really Derek? I think alot of us got to know that long before you came on the scene but your appointment made everyone realise how horrible he could be to us!! 😯 😈


  33. @Troy
    To be fair, even though I think Hoots is a great guy, and despite the “clueless” tag actually a decent manager, I think he would have cracked here.
    He didn’t have a single board related rip here.
    Pardew has had:
    Carroll being sold
    Barton/Nolan/Enrique being sold
    Squad being weakened in numerous windows, including arguably just before Europe
    Coloccini wanting to leave due to personal reasons.
    All of these were out of Pardew’s control, yet he received a good amount of flak for them. I don’t Hughton would have been mentally strong enough to cope with all that shite.


  34. troy there must be a good midfield coach out there? set pieces, free kicks, keeping possession and crosses etc! i think pardrew likes defending well to much! once he has that sorted i would bring a 10 million striker in. i think colocini is the best player this season! with the midfield creating more chances and assists we could be a great side for years to come but we dont need 3 defensive midfielders!


  35. [email protected] – selective reasoning there Troy. Your’e forgetting the stalwarts of our midfield. Jonas, Perch, Gosling, Obertan. Gouffran and Marv aren’t really midfielders either. Tiote has been rubbish all season, Cabaye not much better.

    Here’s how your list should read. Barfa, Cabaye, Sissoko, Anita. Happy with that?


  36. @ Georgio

    I’m not suggesting our midfield is great. Far from it. I just suggested it is probably our strongest department.

    Our strikers consist of Cisse. And eh… Shola 😯

    Our defence, Colo, Taylor, 😯 Willo 🙄 Debuchy ❓ 😯 Santon 😕 Mbiwa ❓


  37. Solano-yeah. Hazard was carded and I guess that’s what you’d expect, but personally I thought the fat little **** kid deserved it and more. I hope people his own age gave him stick, but in this age he was probably seen a hero.

    Laudrups tactics eh… 😆


  38. shola is good at penaltys and thats about it! bony, douglas, sinclair, bentley and a midfield coach!


  39. Troy-I liked the defender review done with smilies 🙂

    We are really lightweight up top…Is gouffran really a striker? Hmm…He only cut it one year in france on his own, so can he really do it here?

    Fulham could field like four top notch strikers and they would all compliment each other and they still struggled for goals and played under a better manager..Wbrom could field three top strikers as well. Shane long, what a steal at 2 mil he’s been.


  40. You know I like to play with me stats so just to clarify in terms of pps (points per start ) this season

    Sissoko [email protected];
    Cabaye [email protected];
    Jonas [email protected];
    HBA [email protected];
    Perch [email protected]
    Tiote [email protected];
    Marveaux [email protected];
    Anita [email protected]
    Bigi [email protected]
    Obertan [email protected]

    which tends to indicate that Sissoko, Cabaye, Jonas and HBA are our best midfield.


  41. There’s nothing wrong with Pardew. Was just a blip.
    Hughton is a stuttering fool. Seriously have a look at him.
    Lambias is utter class at what he is doing. As is Ashley. Have some faith. They sell players for more than their value and they buy players for much less than their value. If they don’t do that we have no money to buy any players.
    The whole problem is we dont have any great strikers. One OK striker but he doesn’t have an all-round game good enough.But they will put that right soon.


  42. Casio Digital Watch + Geordie Carroll + Agent Stardust = “The Hexham Strangler ”

    Welcome aboard fella – wont tell the world how clueless you are – they’ll work it out after tomorrows post 😆


  43. Jes can’t believe that Stardy has a mate, I know Troy hangs around with him but I thought that was Troy doing his bit for care in the community 🙂

    I take it we haven’t signed anyone yet


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