One question for Mike Ashley!

toonsy

Given the chance, what would you ask this man?
Writing articles for anything, be it a website, the local paper or just the Church Newsletter does not come easy for me.

I’m not particularly spontaneous so I have to grind these things out – usually with more rewrites than the American pre-season tour teamsheet. It’s amazing how many one liners end up binned because they just don’t fit the tone of the article, or more often than not they are just considered too offensive for a website that doesn’t include “Animal Sex” or “Cream Pie” as a pre-selectable search option. You also have to make sure that you find something that is of interest to the majority of the readers, not just the odd insomniac or the guy who talks to the pigeons at the Haymarket.

The “Carroll” money was an easy one. Not since Keegan left (for the second or third time) has there been something that has united the fans so much by dividing them.

How do you follow that up?

What is it that is guaranteed to get the fans going more than anything else?

So here it is.

You get to spend five minutes sitting down face to face with Ashley. What would you ask him?

Please note, I’m saying “what would you ask him?”, not “what would you hit him with?”

I suppose from his side there would be some kind of a requirement to ensure that some of you either had your hands tied behind your back or were actually chained to a wall or something, wore a muzzle perhaps, or were even separated from him by bullet-proof glass.

Understandable.

Then Ashley’s pet Gorilla – the one you always see sitting behind him at the match with the curly lead sticking out of his head – would probably prefer that you didn’t use phrases such as “you cockney tw*t”, or “prepare to die, you fat f*ck”, but I’m sure that’s something we could cope with.

So what would you ask?

His favourite colour? Which CDs he has in his helicopter perhaps? Why he gave up the glamour of life as a professional squash coach to become a billionaire? Or how about “what on earth made him think that he was in any way qualified to run a football club?”

There are a thousand and one possibilities. OK a thousand and two if you include what it feels like to have paid Alan Smith in the region of 8-10 million quid in wages over the last four years for being the oldest ball-boy in the Premiership.

Now it’s your turn.

Note from Toonsy – Well Done Archie Brand. I can see there being many ideas, some serious, some not so, about what people would really like to ask Mike Ashley. It’s just a shame the chubby turd won’t get asked any of them!

About toonsy

A lifelong Newcastle fan and current webmaster of this very 'blog who has the sole aim of creating a place by Newcastle United fans, for Newcastle United fans.

View all posts by toonsy →

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156 thoughts on “One question for Mike Ashley!”

  1. Can we inject him with truth serum before asking what his true intentions are regarding this great club? Otherwise it would be a pointless exercise filled with the usual executive/political bullshit that fails to answer any one straight question… 🙄

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  2. NUFC Head to Head league at PremierLeague.com now has 17 spaces left for those that are interested. The fixture list and tables are done in exactly the same way the Premier League is formatted today, so it is still interesting later in the season. It is a different format to Toonsy’s league and is no competition. There is no winners prize, just a bit of fun.
    Joining is the same as explained on Toonsy’s article but the code is 139461-54775. 🙂

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  3. I would ask him if he was cynical about the timing of the horror in Norway, with reference to the Murdoch scandal?

    :: Asks Mike to sign a first edition copy of Catcher in the Rye.

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  5. A great article Toonsy,as ever really well written so a big thank you for the time you took to prepare it and post it.Its not an easy ask really knowing you got one question to ask and thats your lot.I think mine would be this,your a very good business man and you have proven that you can make millions by marketing total ***** to the masses ala sportsdirect,so in your own time Mr Ashley can you explain why your running a very famous,well supported institution like Newcastle United like its an also ran? If he actually thought about it and cared he could turn us into a major success on the pitch and as a business but it will never happen if you dont invest in the team.Football runs on quality,not tat mate.

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  6. My question would be, why Llambias, a complete **** of a man and an out and out hate figure for the fans?

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  11. Why don’t you just leave our club?

    Right, off to feed the pigeons. 😳

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  13. 1. What was it that made you think Wise, Kinnear and Llambias would be successful?
    2. If you’ve saved the apparently high wages of Owen, Martins, Duff, Given, Nolan, Campbell and many others why are you earmarking five years of wages for new players out of the Carroll money and not spending the additional £20m earmarked for transfers?

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  14. lee_ryder Lee Ryder
    #nufc Danny Simpson is set to fly home reason TBC
    4 minutes ago Favorite Retweet Reply

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  16. lee_ryder Lee Ryder
    #nufc Danny Simpson is set to fly home reason TBC
    33 seconds ago

    wonder what’s going on?

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  20. Why Llambias
    Why Wise
    Why Did You buy NUfC
    Why does the senior management have no dialogue with fans
    How much do you pay the local media
    Where did the 35 million really go
    How is it you made such a success of your business and such a mess of OUR football club
    The list is endless I would need a few hours.

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  21. 🙄 😆 yeah he is worth hiding from, will you be staying up tonight for the game ? I dont think I could last that long 😆 im getting too old for staying up late 😉

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  26. I bought some Lonsdale underpants from your shop last week and I want to know why people laugh at me when I wear the waist band over my hipster jeans! Why Mike?

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  28. On a compliment question.
    Mike, I love my Donnay stone washed jeans and matching Denim Donnay jacket. How did you devise such an eye catching combination. Everyone seems to stare and point at me as I strut round the metty centre. They clearly think I look the biz! Who is your designer?

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  30. @28

    😆

    I heard you got the length of you Donnay stone washed jeans a few inches too short so you could sport your Donnay socks. People need to see the quality from head to toe.

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  31. #R.I.P Amy WineHouse. 😥 😥

    what a talented singer joining the curse forever 27 club. ❗

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  32. I’ve joined the head to head league. Looking forward to it. Can’t believe another player has been sent home. Hope its not serious, if it is indeed another injury.

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  33. Mike, I love your £2 caser balls. I use them at my child’s birthdays for balloons . How did you think of such a good idea? 😯

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  34. Mike, you wear a White shirt at every match. Is it the same one everytime? 😯

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  36. Mike, have you ever been around Newcastle otherthan SJP and the bigg Market ? 😯

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  37. Did you pay for that shirt your wearing or does it all end up in the same place anyway?

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  39. Mike, did you get rid of hughton because it was no fun having someone who will roll over and take it all without even so much as a whimper in return? 😆

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  47. dannysimpson12 Danny Simpson
    Flying back 2 the UK today.. Wanted 2 play the next 2 games but I want 2 b home in time for the birth of my baby girl
    17 minutes ago

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  48. Dave – 😉 Nee fecker listens to me though, or gives credit considering I called it before anybody else. If I changed my name to cwarr07 they’d soon ***** up though aye 🙄

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  50. Toonsy just keep your name as it is atlest we know we can trust ye 😉
    Does anyone else think that the US tour has been a right fuk up from the start 😆

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  53. DAVE like everything the dicks do m8,the toon is there play thing,what about the fans,tough **** 😈

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  55. stevewraith steve wraith
    Good news just heard from danny and his lass is having bairn#juniormagpie

    Some 40 minutes after Danny Simpson tweeted the exact same thing 🙄

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  56. Unemployment in London has just hit a record high after 6,000 drug dealers have just been put out of work 😉

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  59. sorry like its sad about winehouse,but to be honest our thoughts should be with the 90 odd poor people in oslo,not a smack head who had all the chances in life

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  60. Ice – According to Sky it’s like Norway hardly even happened. Have no time for people who end up addicted. Weak people who can change things but have no desire to. Losers basically 🙂

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  61. Icedog has it spot on.

    I have no pity or sympathy for an addict who botched her life. If she has been murdered or something then my opinion changes but an addict botching it? Meh.

    The innocent people in Oslo who are treated like a support act to Winehouse on the news currently are the real people and real story.

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  62. aye i have no sympathy for any1 that passes away self inflicted but i stil dont like to hear any1 dying , 27 is a young age to die and she was very talented !! more money than sense man , bluddy silly!!

    back to footy , is the toon match defo on the net 2nyt then lads?? i wil be defo stoppn up if it is like 😀

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  64. Ice @ 59 exactly the ones in Oslo had no choice same as the Troops that die they are the ones that deserve sympathy, but Wino Amy had the choice and the chances to change but she said no no no .

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  65. 1. Ashley what real football ambition do you have for Newcastle United?
    2. How do you propose to achieve football success with the club (please don’t bother responding with any sentence that begins: My main goal is to recover my money by buying at low cost and selling our best young players for big profit… blah blah blah
    3. Why don’t you fire Llambias and bring someone in who actually knows something about football? Are you afraid such a person wouldn’t work with you for five minutes like Keegan?
    4. Why hire a poor manager with a pathetic track record like Pardew? Is it because you know that any manager worth his salt would never work for you given the evidence of the past few years?
    The questions could go on and on.

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  68. DAVE i know these drug **** heads are the bain of a lot of people lifes,its there family that suffer 😥

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  69. Oh and 1 more Ashley:
    Exactly when can we count on you selling the club to a decent owner with real football ambition?

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  71. Why did you buy Newcastle?
    Why did you go over Kevin Keegans head?
    Why did you appoint Derek Llambias?
    Why did you appoint Alan Pardew?
    Why have you not found a buyer yet?
    Why shouldn’t I hit you?
    Where is the money promised for transfers?

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