The Four Horsemen of Our Apocalypse

Eric Sykes

Conquest, War, Famine and Death or just rubbish footballers?
Conquest, War, Famine and Death or just rubbish footballers?
Everyone likes to rag on Gouffran, Obertan, Marveaux and Williamson, and I think these are the four players everyone loves to hate, but the transfer window is closed now so what do we have?

Goofy: when he first arrived he seemed decent but has suffered the curse of the utility player. He has had such a dramatic loss of form that a lot of fans have turned against him. He has been played all over the shop and now he has no positional sense. I feel sorry for him.

Squidward: The player with no end product, and who wouldn’t have a girlfriend if he wasn’t a highly paid footballer! We were probably the last ones to be duped by Ferguson (except maybe Man U when they hired Moyes), but three of our Managers have seen something in him, the latest being McClaren. It is like Friday the 13th, he cannot be killed and there is always a sequel. He will continue to frustrate and probably will find a team looking to his potential when he is 30!

Marv-the-Groin: People forget that we hijacked his transfer to Liverpool and he was very well thought of in France. He has since had an operation that put him out for 18 months and I am not even sure if he has ever been fully fit although he showed glimpses of being a decent player. Now he has another groin injury. I am told that his Missus has been on the internet looking for a bit of strange.

Willo: what can you say? He is scared of the ball and likes a hoof. But he has been played under all of our last four managers. He is behind our current incumbents, but he may be only one injury away from a recall. Dummett and Lascelles are untested and Steven Taylor may fall off the mantlepiece again and break. Don’t be so sure we haven’t seen the last of him.

Three of these four have contracts expiring next year, with Gouffran being the exception. We supposedly had offers and they will be worth nowt in January. So what exactly is our transfer policy with our deadwood? Probably, their wages are too high and the usual hardball tactics meaning we don’t get the deal done, right? My opinion is get them out so that the Manager does not have the option to ever play them again.

However, if past is prologue we will be seeing some of them in the first team again by Halloween. There is always room for temporary redemption at NUFC. Be afraid, be very afraid.

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234 thoughts on “The Four Horsemen of Our Apocalypse”

  1. Eric @141 – Marketing and money mate.

    Interesting Sharpy. I do wonder at the fall out with toots, does he not want to be here like? Seems like he’d be happy to kick up a fuss if he wanted to move so it doesn’t seem likely.. did we just think we could make a few quid? I prefer him to Anita, because it allows the rest of our team more freedom, but that line up would be interesting. Colback’s been average so far, but still like to see him get in the side tbh, he’s younger and a bit more of a complete player than tiote or anita.

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  2. Today mates I would like to focus on happier times. It is the year 2025 and Mike Ashley has just sold the club after 18 years of abject failure. Average finishing position? 12th. Averaged goal difference? -40. Cups won? 0. Profits made? Enormous.

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  3. Surely it’s a must to pick up points against Watford at home? If we don’t there is a strong possibility we could go through the first 8 games with 4 points or less! Wouldn’t that be a poke in the groinal area with a pointed stick for the supporters?

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  4. We have made some good acquisitions. But Mito needs to be put on some sort of calming drug during matches. Perez is an excellent player as well. The Wij is decent. We have Sissoko. Not certain how De Jong will work out though (it seems to be the case in that family). Do we have enough scoring depth yet? No. Can we keep enough out at the back? No.

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  5. Stu, to clarify
    v Saints 7 shots in total
    4 on target
    3 off target

    v Swans 4 total shots
    2 on target
    2 off target

    v Man u total 4 shots
    0 on target
    4 off target

    v Arsenal 2 total shots
    1 on target
    1 off target

    So 17 total shots of which 7 on target 10 off

    sorry was all over the shot earlier mate not 27 but 17 🙄 😳

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  6. Obertan is a talented player, he has great pace and knows how to pass a ball to a team mate 😎 We should offer him a new contact urgently or he could end up at Barcelona or Real Madrid for free 😥 Excellent signing by Alan Pardew.

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  8. Welcome to the PL B/mouth I feel a little sad for their fans,their two record
    signings were both iinjured Mings, Gradal on Sat and will be out 12/15 months with bad injury,tough luck

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  10. Mersons putting savage to shame with his brainless reactive predictions: Palace finishing 5th above Spurs & Liverpool being his latest

    Pat Nevin & Gary Neville, Maybe Hoddle & Henry aside they are absolutely fucking embarrassing. Skys Cricket & BBC tennis (Andrew Castle apart) shame football coverage in this country

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  12. Aye another thick ex Arsenal biased ******, Keown made a pleb of himself on MOTD as well.

    Been interesting if wed held out for a draw, Dare bet their opinion on Mariners performance would have been different if his decision not to give them a penalty had been costly.

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  13. There are rumours AGAIN that Sissoko might leave for a top four team in January. What has he shown in the first four games (hell, the last year) to warrant this? The only thing I can think of is that the 17 mil they are quoting is a relatively cheap gamble given the obscene amounts being paid recently.

    Why do we have the international break again? Just play midweek.

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  14. Now that I think about it, Sissoko does have one quality that might be useful, he can run fast with the ball at his feet. This might be useful to Liverpool or Arsenal who have no transition game. We still have the problem of no end product. If he stays, I hope Mousa doesn’t turn out to be just a slightly better version of Obertan.

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  16. Gilbert may be a WUM. Have a look back at some of Obie’s performances Gilbert. Shockingly poor. He has about 1 or 2 goals in over 50 league appearances for us so far and very few assists. You want to give him a new contract? Madness!!! Madness I say!!!

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  17. Fong him! Fong Obie! Release him after a good fonging!!! 30K a week wasted. Two decent cross in 4 years (including the one to the Wij).

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  24. He has to stop tackling Ice – he’s terrible at it. He just needs to hassle and harry and keep his feet out! I fear it’ll take a while for him to learn.

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  25. GEORGIO that’s more or less what Rob Lee just don’t tackle work at what your good at scoring goals making runs for others ect

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  26. See Dummett is the latest to have his fitness in doubt after a hamstring. We seem to specialise in hamstrings that won’t heal. Normally it’s 4-6 weeks with our lot it’s 4-6 months. Something’s not right with medical staff and/or recovery training.

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  30. Psychs

    Interesting table of stats. McClaren should have no excuses to break the top 10 this season based on that.

    You’re right about prior to this transfer window, our squad would have been way down. Just shows how well he did to have us in 7th place when he left. Poor Carver got your wrath as well and he kept us up. 🙄

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  32. An interesting fact about San Marino v England.
    The population of SM is 32k. That is 4k less than that of Whickham and dunston in Gateshead.
    Population of England. 53m
    I would say SM can hold their heads high. They make England look ****.
    Message ends 18.40hrs. Carry on as you were

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  33. Troysta: I said many, many times that Carver was dealt a bad hand with injuries but that didn’t make him less **** though. With Carver, it was often the crazy and contradictory things he would say that I commented on.

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  36. Yeah Troy I am surprised by how conservative the estimates have been to be honest. If Pardew was total **** and we have a far superior squad to last season (that bit at least is not in doubt) shouldn’t top 8 be minimum?

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  37. It’s being said we offered Aaron’s in part exchange for Austin on deadline day. If true it tells me the lad must have been evaluated as being made out of glass – which I suspect. Talent not in question, but stamina and being prone to injury definitely a worry for me…

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  38. These international breaks are rubbish. I have no interest in watching England steamroll through 3rd rate national teams only to fall at the first hurdle when the real competition comes around. So boring.

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  40. SHAM we fans love our football more so when its our club nothing better,imo that’s where it ends,the cry to limit players coming into the PL from abroad to help young English players coming through is wrong if they are good enough they will come through anyway,I pay my money to watch my club and hope they sign good players no matter where they are from,its nice to see England do well of coarse but ime not bothered either way its my club I want to see not a bunch of over rated players which some are

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  41. I see that badge kissing plastic mag Sissoko has been endearing himself again to his employer and loyal toon fans blathering off about transfer vetos to the French footy press.

    I reckon the toon are doing the right thing, keep him sitting here on his contract until after the European Championships, then sell him on afterwards when one of the daft “big clubs” are willing to pay 25 mill for his “services”…

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  42. MM sorry I don’t rate him a 25mil player,trap that I say,opening his gob every time he gets the chance telling everyone how good he is he’s only kidding himself not me,it does not help the moral of other players at the club imo

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  43. Sissoko back at the n10 positon is an option, it would mean Gini playing deeper alongside Colback and de Jong upront as false 9. Id have Thauvin and Ayoze on both flanks, and a back 4 of Janmaat Colo Taylor Mbemba and then switch Mbemba to Cb when Dummett comes back the LB position.

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  44. Sell Sissoko and get Jonjo Shelvey or Clement Grenier instead – both far better passers of the ball. Either of those & an upgrade on Tiote and I’d be happy with our midfield.

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  46. Sissoko does love talking about himself, fair play. It’s a shame he didn’t have a better season last year and we could cash in on him, 20 mil + cabaye from PSG would have been nice 😆

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  48. Stuart79@197, agreed, Holland seem to be going through a minging phase internationally, this has to be one of the poorest Dutch sides for decades. How many great Dutch players are plying there trade in the big leagues ?
    …an ageing Robben ? Where are the Overmars, Bergkamps, Van Persies, Staams and Seedorfs of yesteryear ?

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  49. Stuart79- That could be a good topic. I always hear about going french or dutch but in my opinion this is a bit too much. French and Dutch produce lot of ok players and few are that good. So taking the quality ones is key. Quality french players we had and really needed were Cabaye Ben Arfa and now Sissoko and maybe Haidara. Quality dutch are Gini Janmaat and SdJong with Krul who is true Geordie. Mistakes were Gouffran Obertan Riviere Amalfitano Anita Debuchy(who only came to play with Cabaye and guarantee his World Cup pass, Simpson was more committed), In my opinion this club needs more quality british players leading the team at all with some international foreign players heading from all countries. That would create the right balance, because you have on one part players who see the club as stepping tone and those wh want to win. I believe we should build around Mbemba Gini Ayoze Colback Thauvin Aarons Dummett Janmaat Krul de Jong Armstrong Lascelles Darlow Ameobi Vuckic Taylor Coloccini Haidara. And people want a Right Back, James Tavernier is a great RB.

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  50. England have been gash for decades and yet some call for more British steel in our team 😆 id rather go Dutch than pom that is for sure…

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  51. There is a reason if England sucks. They just dont produce the best players possible, because majority of them are not allowed to make it in PL and in our case, Vuckic Abeid Tavernier Bigirimana or Ameobi are those who payed for it in the expanse of players like Gouffran Anita Obertan Riviere who ok or below ok and In my opinion Id rather have an ok player developped at this club and given time to impove than splash money on below mediocre players, when go foreign it should be for a top player or a top prospect, not a useless player from minor league like Ligue 1 or Holland . For example I have no doubts that James Tavernier was the Rb who should replace Simpson, that Vuckic should be at least in squad rotation as based on talent is something real.

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  53. And I see Tavernier being a PL player soon. Id take him here. Our transfert window would have if got rid of Gouffran Obertan Riviere and keep Ameobi Vuckic and Abeid.

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  55. Cholo I don’t think it works that way to be honest. I would like to see an England team without player’s from the top 4 clubs. Let’s face it most of the team’s they face don’t stand a chance anyway.

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  57. I have two first teams at this point, considering that Colo and Mbemba play Cb, and Dummett back from injury:

    —————————-Krul—————————-
    -Janmaat-Coloccini-Mbemba-Dummett-
    ——————Colback-Wijnaldum————–
    ——–Thauvin——–SdJ————Ayoze——
    ————————–Mitrovic————————-

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  58. In my opinion England had to choose between Lampard and Gerrard who was the main man and who should be sub. In my opinion Lampard should have been the main, I remember timed where Scholes played LM, Carricl had never been considered at his true worth, he is at least good as a Busquets. Tactical choices were the main reason why England failed,then bad luck. And despite critics I wontbr surprised if England does something big in te future, but they need some Nufc players, at this time Colback is one guy, then I hope Aarons Armstrong and Lascelles. Taylor is good enough but injuried cost him.

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  59. My 2nd line up is this one, a more solid one with Tioté even if I regret Abeid’s sale because at thr very least he had good understanding with Colback:

    —————————-Krul—————————
    -Janmaat-Coloccini-Mbemba-Dummett-
    —————–Wijnaldum-Colback—————
    —-Thauvin———Sissoko————Ayoze–
    ——————————-SdJ————————–

    This may be our best line up with Sissoko bas the driving force behind SdJ who can operate as Tresuartidta for hilmself, a sort of false 9, he can score, has good touch and can create spaces for Sissoko Ayoze and Thauvin. This line up can switch to 433 and can be an alternative without Mitrovic.

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  60. In my opinion we should give full license to go foward to Janmaat and put a defensive minded Lb to create balance and bring more agression 1st and more simplicity on the ball and be no nonsense. Id like to see Dummett play, the best move would be Taylor Cb with Colo and Mbemba Lb tho.

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  61. don’t normally do team set ups but just in case SM is reading this morning.

    defence….. the usual suspects….

    Centre Mids – Anita & Gini – Anita to hold, Gini to provide drive through the centre (and to get him into the game/on the ball)
    Wide Mids – Sissoko & Thauvin
    Dejong or Perez as a number 10
    Cisse as striker (because Mitro suspended)

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  62. AMF @200: I would agree except possibly in 1996 when Venables had Shearer, Sir Les, Sherringham, Gazza, Adams, Nevilles, Platt, McManaman, Southgate, a youngish Seaman, a young Sol Campbell.

    It has all been downhill from there even with the so-called golden generation who always seemed to freeze when they played for the National Team.

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  63. If you look at the England team now there are not many (if any) who would get in the Spanish, German or Argentina team. Hell, quite a few wouldn’t make the Man City or Chelsea team. And yet they have a 100% record in the qualifiers. Just wait for the tournament and the bookies will have us 4th favourite and we will crash and burn.

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  64. Sticking with England. I think Rooney is a good player, but you have to put his goal scoring record into perspective given the era he plays in and the number of friendlies and nothing teams like San Merino. This should put it into the right light – Robbie Keane has 67 international goals, 1 less than Gerd Muller.

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  68. Eric@214 – Rooney’s got 49 in 104 apps. About the same as Bobby Charlton.
    Jimmy Greaves got 44 in 57 apps!

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  69. Kim

    We know we have better squad & set up this season, Sod these wums with their shitty websites after clicks. We were eventually proved right on Allardyce when we were back in Europe & he was back in the championship. The last remenants of the “never should have sacked big Sam” **** was finally put to bed gloriously the final day of last season.

    Palace have never lasted more than four seasons in the top flight, Pardew has never maintained success longer than a year or two. It will happen at some point in the long run

    The best way to stop it in the short term is by getting up that table & backing Steve & the lads to the hilt

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  70. CC I still think we will finish in the top 10 with maybe a small cup run, depending on the draw. If we play away to a big team I think 9 times out of 10 will lose. History has proven that. Our player’s are still getting used to this league so I’m not overally optimistic about this season. However I get the feeling we shouldn’t of bought Mitrovic.

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  71. Mitrovic should be fined a weeks wages. Maybe that will teach him to carm down a bit. Or maybe the board are worried there have to pay out to much bonus’s like Owen for example. We desperately need a win and West ham haven’t been to great at home. We need to create more chances and by what I’ve seen this season, McClaren’s tactics are very similar to Pardews.

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  74. Been saying all year Sissy is not good for the dressing room and does not put enough effort in. Building a side around him is never going to happen. Just collect a fee and move on.

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