Like many Newcastle United fans football is a huge part of my life, but it wasn’t until recent times that I realised how crucial it is to my whole existence.
I’ve had mental health problems since I was a young kid with anxiety becoming worse & worse as I became older, then developing depression in my mid-teens, which became extremely serious in my mid 20s and beyond. I’m now 54. I’m not going to go into the background of why I have these ongoing problems, because I don’t want to trigger anyone that may be reading this & the circumstances are irrelevant. What’s important is that I’m still here & I’d like to explain a few things regarding what’s helped me & how I am moving forward with it.
I was lucky enough to be taken to football matches, when I was a kid, by my dad. My first match was at the very end of the 1974/75 season, when Joe Harvey was still manager! Yes, I feel quite old saying that. I’ve been to most games since then. I wasn’t allowed to go to night time matches for a few years, but attended unless I was too ill to go.
We lost the first game I attended, 1-2 versus Birmingham City, but I still loved it. Seeing Malcolm MacDonald score was enough for me. I was hooked before attending, as I would listen to the commentary on local radio, with my Granda’, when my dad was at the matches & lapped it up when we appeared on the telly.
My dad stopped going when the Miners’ Strike took place in the 80s. He simply couldn’t afford it. That coincided with the promotion season, when Keegan, Waddle & Beardsley were playing. I only missed one game, because my Nana gave me pocket money under strict instructions that I used it to go to the match with my mates. She must’ve known how important it was to me, back then & how miserable I’d have been had I not been able to go.
I missed loads of matches, when I went away to university in September 1988. We were rubbish & were relegated, but I still missed going. I went to as many home matches as possible & attended a handful of away games in London, until I left uni with an injury in December 1989. Looking back I was suffering from depression at the time, but I didn’t know it.
I felt more at ease in the North East despite the ongoing problems I had to deal with. Going to the match was a regular part of that. I’d played football for as long as I can remember, as well & when my chances of getting picked up by a professional team were thwarted by a serious accident in 1982 I was devastated. The worst part was missing Keegan’s debut! The accident occurred on the Wednesday beforehand, the same day I’d been up to St. James’ Park for my ticket. I was stuck in hospital for a while & was absolutely gutted. I didn’t hear back from Ipswich Town, or Notts County, either. I did have a trial with Sunderland a few years later after I skinned their under-18 right back in a training match, but they put me at left back & I think I just felt so out of place wearing a red & white top for a week!
I kept playing after my accident & won loads of trophies, but I turned to playing guitar, when I was 14 & that became my main escape. It still is.
I missed a whole season, along with the FA Cup Final against Man Utd, when my disability, caused by a number of accidents over the years, became much worse. I couldn’t work at that time & being recently married, with a son on the way, I couldn’t afford to go. I was truly miserable at that point, especially as a record deal had fallen through & I stopped playing music. The birth of my first child was the only thing that kept me going. Thankfully, Bob, still a great friend, the fella I was sat beside, since the Leazes End was rebuilt & my standing season ticket in the Gallowgate was moved, agreed to take on my ticket for a season, for his sons & I was in a better position to return the following season, with a job helping people with disabilities. I would’ve lost my season ticket had it not been for Bob!
I’ve missed a few matches here & there, since then, due to my disability, which can’t be helped, but I always seem to miss the big ones. The 4-4 v Arsenal & Tiote’s screamer being one of those!
I feel privileged to have been able to go to matches all these years, but it was only during my final therapy sessions in 2019 that I realised how important they’ve been.
I’d stopped going anywhere apart from the odd gig, comedy nights & the match. I would rarely leave the house, at all, at first due to my disability, but mostly because of my mental health. At the gigs & comedy nights I was anonymous, sat in the dark, but at St. James’ Park I was part of something much bigger & truly felt more at home there than when I was actually at home! It felt as if I had a role to play: being a supporter of Newcastle United. Of course, I wanted us to win, but that’s not the reason I go. If it was the main focus I’d have been even more miserable over the years!
At St. James’ Park I don’t feel anonymous. I know people, speak to other fans I see week in week out, say hello to strangers, who had that common bond of wearing the black & white. I feel that I’m part of a community. It was bigger than any of us, but we needed each other to survive. Collecting for the NUFC FANS FOODBANK sat in my wheelchair outside The Strawberry before every match has allowed that community feeling within me to grow & it’s great to see how wonderful people are in that pre-match moment, with their hopes & dreams evident, from the small children to those who’ve been fans for far longer than I.
I agreed to take part in the movie ‘We Are The Geordies’ during the promotion season under Rafa Benitez. Being constantly followed by the cameras & interviewed about every aspect of life & football was weird, but it brought me out of my shell, at least a bit. In one scene I talked about how life, for me, is about chasing dreams, looking for euphoric moments in life. I get most of mine watching Newcastle United. They’re made even sweeter because of everything we’ve witnessed as fans: the good, the really bad & the very ugly!
At the end of the ‘We Are The Geordies’ movie you can see the moment we’d won the Championship & as everyone was celebrating, I was asked what it meant to me. In the context of that moment I was talking about winning the league, with promotion being the main key. I replied to James, the Director,
“It doesn’t really matter,” meaning winning the Championship, but then turned back and added, “…but it does!”
I laughed at that moment because it felt like I was talking about following Newcastle United and football as a whole.
I was interviewed for Men’s Fitness magazine, a couple of years ago, which felt really strange, but it was all about mental fitness. This is a quote from that interview:
“Those 90 minutes of focus that you gain from watching a match – whether at the ground or on screen, give you 90 minutes’ respite from everything that’s going on around you.
It’s a time where you can forget everything else and re-charge by being in the moment. It’s modern mindfulness for football fans.
Having a shared identity also opens the doors to new friendships. You know you immediately have something in common with someone and you’re all hoping for the same outcome: for your team to win.”
All of that is true for me.
I also realised that I don’t remember specific instances from matches in the way most fans do. I couldn’t think why, because my memory really is exceptional, but just not for the matches I’ve played in, or watched. I thought about it & realised that I take each match as an individual event. I enjoy the moment, the 90 minutes & then, win, lose, or draw, talk about it, discuss the tactics, performances & main points of the match, watch it on Match Of The Day, maybe watch that again a few times to look at tactics more carefully, then…that’s it! I move on to the next match. There’s nothing more I can do about the match that’s just been played. Yeah, I marvel at the goals, wince at the missed chances etc, but I can’t change it & change focus to looking forward. I don’t look too far ahead, though. Towards the end of the season I think about how many points we need (usually for safety, although that changed last season) & look at who we have left to play, but that just gets me stressed out & I stop. My focus is on the next game, the same as I did when I used to play. I think that’s why I don’t remember too much of who scored, or what the score was in specific games. Yeah, some stand out, like the 5-0, or Barcelona, for example, but I realised that I should live my life in the way I live my life around football: Enjoy the experience of the moment, reflect & move on, without looking too far ahead & not to have any expectations about what may happen.
It feels like Football & Newcastle United are in my blood. They’re a major part of my identity on so many levels. I feel privileged to have witnessed so many ups & downs over the years & hope to continue being a part of many more to come.
It Doesn’t Really Matter…But It Does!
Davy Craig
